Ah, Los Angeles--land of the freaked, home of the crazed, and not incidentally the place of my birth. Yes, people do actually live here. And apart from a few blissful years in Santa Cruz, I've lived here all my life.

Early on, I developed a sort of love-hate relat ionship with the place. Sure, Andy Partridge called it a "soulless, sequined, showbiz moon." No argument from me there. But it's also wonderfully surreal, a place where movie crews crowd the side streets, wher e substance and style blend, where a little black dress can keep you full of hors d'oeuvres as long as there are cocktail parties. It's also a place of great historical and cultural richness, and I don't mean pre- and post-Brady.

So as long a s you're here, check your notions at the door, grab the cheapest sunglasses you can find, and go on a whirlwind tour of the City of Angels (with dirty faces), Rose-style...

So, wait, you've never had a White Chirstmas?
Nope. (Besides, I'm Jewish). And before you ask, I've never made a snow angel, either, but I g et to bodysurf in the middle of January.

What's the difference between Hollywood and Los Angeles?
Hollywood is part of Los Angeles, except for the parts that aren't. Most of the visual symbols--the Hollywood sign, the Chinese theater, the corner of Sunset and Courtney--lie within L.A. proper. The Sunset Strip is mostly in West Hollywood. The really snotty clubs are in Beverly Hills, and won't tolerate being lumped in with the very real slummy parts of Hollywood.

When you get right down to it, Hollywood is a state of mind that starts in Downtown L.A. and extends north and west until people start sneering at the notion.

What's with all those KROQ stickers?
Ah, KROQ (106 .7 FM). It's not just a radio station, it's a way of life. Well, not really. What it is, is probably the most influential commerical "alternative rock" station in the country. Los Angeles also has what I figure is one of the most influential publi c stations in the country, KCRW(89.9 FM). Be sure to tune in around 11:20 on weekdays; that's when the famous and infamous play on "Morning Becomes Eclectic."

How do I get to Disneyland?
From Los Ang eles, take the 5 South to Anaheim (actually in Orange County). Get off at the first sign of giant bipedal rodents.

Where can I see celebrities?
The Trader Joe's on Hyperion in Silver Lake. If they have guests in town, though, they'l l probably be going to the same places you'll be headed.

• John Marshall High School: It's been s een as the college in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the outside of the school in Pretty in Pink, the football field in Grease, and all over Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to name a few appearances. On the corner of Tracy and St. Geo rge under the gaze of the Hollywood sign, it's the most Gothic-looking school convenient to the major studios, which often makes it hard for students to get to their lockers. I went there, the 1995 national Academic Decathlon champions went there, L ance Ito went there, Heidi Fleiss went there (but didn't graduate), and it's on the way to...
  
• The Griffith Observatory: It's been seen in... oh, trust me, you'll know it when you see it, especially if you've ever seen Rebel Without a Cause. It was built as a plain-and-simple observatory (in function, not form) back when architecture mattered. The exhibits were moved under the domes later, and now are crammed into every marble nook and cranny. Outside, you can check out the WPA-commissioned obelisk to astronomers throughout history (all of whom looked the same except for the facial hair), the bust of James Dean, and, if it's reasonably cle ar, one heck of a view. Many nights, the big telescope on the roof is pointed towards interesting objects for visitors to see. The Observatory is open until 10 most nights, and it's free.
  
• Los Angeles County Museum of Natural History: Amazing architecture, and wonderful exhibits to boot. Be sure to check out the Discovery Center and Insect Zoo, where during high school I spent Saturdays talking about wh ales and showing off Maggie the Tarantula.
  
• Los Angeles County Museum of Art: As classical art museums go, it's one of the good ones. Among the cash-strapped twentysomethings of the city, LACMA is probably best known for its weekly free admissions, cheap membership, classical music performances, and being next to the La Brea Tar Pits.
  
• The Museum of Jurassic Technology: What do opera arias have to do with memory? Wha t was up with Noah's Ark? Why would anyone eat mouse pie? What sort of letters got sent to the astronomers at the old Mt. Wilson Observatory? And how did that bat get embedded in lead, anyway? This museum has a little bit of everything, all designed to make you reconsider the world around you. Exhibits change all the time; the current highlight is a collection of micro-miniature sculptures. I'm not entirely sure why a man felt compelled to put Disney characters in the eyes of needles or etch d etailed pictures on hairs, but the results are amazing. If you go to one museum while you're in SoCal, go here.
  

Coming Soon... food, murals, public-access television, and the tackier side of the city...

Rose Ellen Auerbach
auerbach@armory.com