Rose's Kitchen: Not an Oxymoron, Really

Yan moves too fast for you. Your only appliances are a microwave and a coffee pot. Given the time, you could burn water. You're inept and proud of it. Or else you're sick of microwaved dinners. Whatever the case, here's my contribution to the annals of student-style cooking.

Essential Foods and Seasonings

Pasta
Ramen
Green onions
Carrots
Onion
Potatoes
Dried, minced garlic
Olive Oil
Butter or margarine
Salt
Pepper
Italian seasoning blend
Dried dill weed
Tea bags
Half-decent coffee
Sugar
Milk
Instant rice
Cocoa
Chocolate (preferably semi-sweet, ready-to-eat)

(what, you expected some sort of order?)

Coffee-Pot Ramen

Pour water into the back of the coffee pot. Put ramen noodles in the carafe. Start the coffee pot. After all the water drips through, let the ramen sit for a few minutes before seasoning and eating.

Good-Smellin' Veggie Ramen

Put water in pot and turn on heat (yes, this one requires a stove or hot plate). While waiting for the water to boil, chop up a carrot, a stalk of celery, a green onion, and a bit of white onion. Toss them into the pot. When your housemate calls, "whatever you're cooking smells great", or, if you live alone, the water starts boiling, add the ramen. Cook for a few minutes. Strain the noodles, but save some of the water to pour back into the bowl. Season. If you're not going for the vegetarian aspect, the chicken flavoring works well; if you are, try Chinese chicken salad-style dressing.
A slightly condensed version of this recipe appears on The Ramen Page.

Hot Chocolate, Without the Packets

Grab favorite mug. Toss in two teaspoons of sugar and one of cocoa. Fill mug with milk. Stir. Nuke.

Reasonably Impressive Pasta

Make the pasta, preferably in some amusing bite-sized shape. (Um, you do know how to make pasta, don't you?) When it's done, add minced onion; minced garlic; olive oil; diced green onion; Italian seasoning blend; dill weed; parmesan cheese; pepper; and whatever else is in arm's reach. Keep going until it looks like it got into the green Manic Panic and went out to play in the snow. Serve piping hot, or chill it and call it pasta salad.

Cathartic Baked Potato

Put a potato in one hand and a fork in the other. Take out your agressions on the potato. Be sure to fok the fokin potato real good, or the fokin potato will fokin explode, and you'll have a fokin mess to deal with. When you feel satisfied, pop the potato in the microwave and nuke for five minutes or so, during which time you can try to deal with your agressions in a more productive way. Maybe a little baked potato will help you think of something.

Remedies for Whatever Ails You

Measure out three mugs' worth of water. Boil and pour over one bag of Earl Grey tea. Let sit for 24 hours. Heat and gulp.
For a less caffeinated version of the above, use chamomile tea. Just don't taste it.
For a dry cough or throat: Fill a mug halfway with milk and top off with water. Stir and nuke till it's nice and hot. Stir in about two tablespoons of honey and drink.

And, of course, what would a list of homemade home remedies be without...

Really Easy Matzo Ball Soup

Preparation
Locate pots, knives, spoons, refrigerator, and stove. If you can't find any of the above, ask someone for help.

Part One: Matzo Balls

Get a box of Maneshewitz matzo meal (the stuff in the green and orange box) and follow the directions on the side. Well, sort of. Here, do it this way:

Crack a couple of eggs into a smallish mixing bowl. Beat them just a little.
Add two tablespoons vegetable oil (or melted schmaltz, if you have it, which you probably don't). Beat the mixture till it looks well-blended.
Dump in half a cup (plus a little tiny bit more) matzo meal and about a teaspoon crumbled onion flakes (or a little more, or a little less, or none at all, but I like about a teaspoon). Mix it all together.
Add 2 tablespoons of chicken broth. Mix well.
Cover the mixing bowl and stick it in the fridge for, oh, 15, 20 minutes.
When the mixture's been in the fridge for close to 15 minutes, set 1 1/2, plus a little more, quarts of water to boil in a pot of about the size you'd use if you were making pasta and you wanted there to be leftovers (about 2 or 3 quarts). Put in just a little bit of salt. When it's really boiling, turn down the heat and take the matzo mixture out of the fridge.
When the water is only slightly boiling (a few little bubble streams here and there), start forming matzo balls about an inch in diameter (don't worry, they'll fluff) and dropping them into the water. I prefer using my hands, but if the mixture's a bit goopy, as sometimes happens, go ahead and use a spoon or two.
Cover the pot and let it all boil--at the "slightly boiling" point--for, oh, 30, 40 minutes.

Part Two: The Soup

Now, you can go two routes with the basic stock. You can make it yourself, which is very nice but time-consuming and actually involves some skill; or you can get a couple of cans of ready-made broth. Swanson's has a nice one--it's even got a little fat floating at the top, and it's often on sale for 59 cents a can. In addition, using canned broth means you can have the soup an hour after you decided you wanted it, rather than waiting all day. I'm writing the soup directions for canned broth, but you can use an equivalent amount of the homemade stuff.

Get a pot about the size of the matzo ball-boiling pot (or take out the boiled matzo balls, put them in a Tupperware container, stick them in the fridge, and wash out that pot). Dump in two cans of chicken broth. Skim what fat you can off the top and save it in case you ever want to make schmaltz. Turn the burner on fairly low.
Chop up a carrot, a celery stalk, and a green onion and toss 'em into the pot.
Add: 2 or 3 teaspoons onion flakes (or real onion, but who wants to chop a real onion when they're already feeling bad?);about a teaspoon of garlic powder or minced garlic; a little salt and pepper; a bit of dill weed; and a little of anything else that looks interesting.
Cover pot and let contents simmer for at least half an hour. Taste contents periodically to determine if anything needs to be added. If you have a cough, try not to cough into the soup.

Part Three: Putting It All Together

When the soup's ready, add the matzo balls. Simmer for 5-10 minutes.

Eat up, it's good for you.

Be sure the dishes get done.

Throw away the chicken fat. You're never going to make that schmaltz, and better to have a container for the soup leftovers.

Variation

While you're waiting for the matzo ball mixture to set, get out a nice, big pot. Dump in the broth and turn the flame on the lowest setting. Chop up and toss in an onion; a couple of green onions; some dried, minced garlic; a carrot or two; a stalk of celery; and some dill (preferably fresh, but dried is just fine).

Follow directions as described above. Taste frequently and adjust as necessary.

Before you serve, scoop out about half the veggies with a slotted spoon. There's really not much point to matzo ball soup if there's no room for matzo balls.

Rose Ellen Auerbach
auerbach@armory.com