The Quoted Sam & Max

This page was created to give people who don't know about Sam & Max a
chance to get a taste of what they're about, and to get a laugh.  Have fun
and keep those quotes comin'.  

"Hello?  Yes, Commissioner!  Yes?... Yes?... Yes?..  Holy jumping
 mother o'God in a side-car with chocolate jimmies and a lobster
 bib!  WE'RE ON OUR WAY!"
   -- Sam of Sam & Max, the Freelance Police

From: Elizabeth Hurwitz

From "Hit The Road"

Sam: "I think we learned a valuable lesson from all this."
Max: "More twinklies!!! More twinklies!!"

From: Bill Osborne

"I'm not a malefactor, I'm a lagomorph"
  --Max of Sam & Max: Hit The Road

Stewardess: "I've been authorized by the captain to give you boys ANYTHING 
	     you want."
Max: "Then bring me all the unclothed women my poor eyes can stand!"
Sam: "Jesus, Max, take it easy-- you don't even LIKE girls!"
Max: "Oh, yeah, in that case-- how about some more of these great peanuts?"
Sam: "You crack me up, little buddy!"
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police

Sam: "Including those two, the new total is nine hundred and one.  Guess 
      you owe me that steak dinner."
Max: "It seems these evil men will never begin to understand our peaceful 
Sam: "Hope they figure it out pretty quick.  My trigger finger is 
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police


Sam: "If you are upset, Max, I don't think you should supress it."
Max: "Hey, man!  I think you're NOT GOOD! I'll NEVER be your BEST FRIEND!"
Sam: "Ooh, you're a scary bunny."
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police

Sam: "Don't touch it, Max.  You'll get GERMS!"
Max: "Whoso pulleth this linoleum knife from this milkman is rightwise
 king born of England!"
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police


Max: "This place reeks of adventure and excitement, Sam!"
Sam: "I thought that was this tuna fish sandwich I found crawling with
      life in my coat pocket."
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police


Sam: "Spontaneous combustion!  What a stroke of luck!"
Max: "For those unfamiliar with the term; spontaneous combustion is the
      unexplained phenomenon of extreme, increased body temperature."
Sam: "Adapt your wardrobe accordingly-- preferably light cottons and knits!"
   -- Sam & Max, the Freelance Police


"Well, it all started the day before today.  I remember it just like
it was yesturday."
  --Moleman from Sam & Max Hit The Road

From Brian Kaiser

"I smell bird meat!"
	-Max from "The Damned Don't Dance"

From Ian Gray

MAX- Hey, I've got an idea...and it doesn't involve high explosives!
	-Sam & Max Hit The Road
From Mick Sullivan

Sam: Aww... It's a cute hypersufflic(sp?) kitten.
Max: I'll call him mittens cause I think he'd make a fine pair of them.

Sam: Hey, a talking cat!
Cat: Look, a stupid dog.  You must be the freelance police
Sam: Yes well, don't go blabbing it to everybody.

Sam: Your head is oddly disproportionate to the rest of your body.
Cat: It's the vocal cords, you'd be surprised how much room they take up.

Sam: Well you're looking hale and hearty little buddy.
Max: I'm a coffee achiever Sam!

From Pixy Misa

Sam:  "Wonder how the little guy's doing.  Oh, here he comes now."
Sam:  (Again...)  "I won you a stuffed horsey, Max.  What did you do with the
fiendish refreshment vendor!"
Max:  "I made him eat all the corndogs and then I padlocked him in the
Rock-O-Plane!  It was horrible!"
	-Sam and Max Freelance Police in NIGHT OF THE CRINGING WILDEBEEST!

Max:  (Pointing to a bag of "Foamy Bread" on the top of a fridge)  "Here's an
experiment you can do!  Leave a bag of bread on the top of the refridgerator
for a long time.  It will eventually turn grey and tasted bad.  Now throw it
into the street." 
	-Sam and Max Freelance Police in "OUR BEWILDERING

Sam:  "Rasp rasp rasp!"
Max:  "You're losing it, Sam..."
	-Sam & Max Hit The Road

Thank You A.J. Minotti

Sam: Yes... yes... yes... NO! Really? Well the same to you mack.
Max: Another confused census taker?
Sam: No, actually it was the commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment.
Max: Does it involve wanton destruction?
Sam: We can only hope.

Max: Should I confront, subdue, and pummel the suspected perpetrator Sam?
Sam: Sick 'em up little buddy.

Sam: My little buddy here needs to use the facilities.
Max: Facilities be damned! I need a bathroom!

From Ross Durossette

Sam: "Where should I put this thing so that it doesn't hurt anyone we know
     or care about?"
Max:"Out the window, Sam.  There's nobody but strangers out there."
		-Sam & Max: Hit The Road

These next few sections come from 
Donald Weatherwax

From "Monkeys Violating the Heavenly Temple"

MAX: Ooh, lookie, Max, I mean Sam -- it's the appalling visage of crime!
SAM: Right under our beaks!
MAX: What a pinhead!  Does he not fear us?!

SAM: So where'd you park the car, Max?
MAX: I don't know.  I couldn't see over the wheel.
SAM: That's okay.  I think I can smell it.

SAM: Say hello to your unsavory pals, Max.
MAX: Hello, unsavory pals!  What's new?
UNSAVORY PAL: We're gonna eat you for dinner, fuzzy.
MAX: tee hee

SAM: Hey, Flint!  Need any help?
FLINT PAPER: Hey, it's Sam & Max!  No thanks, little friends, I'm having a
swell time -- RIGHT, BONEHEAD?
MAX: Flint Paper is insane.  I really respect that.

no one -- I AM Resisolobussssss BRROOOUUGH! THUP THUP THUP WHIRRRR click...
MAX: Uh oh, sounds like the machine is demonically possessed again.  Better
than no messages at all, though!

SAM: Nobody will mind if I borrow a bike -- don't look, kid.

SAM: >sniff sniff< -- If we get out of this alive, Max, what do you say we
go out for some ribs?

MAX: Can I spit out the window, Sam?
SAM: No way, Max -- we're about a hundred and forty-seven million feet
above sea level -- you'd be sucked into the screaming void of space.
MAX: Yeep.
SAM: Now finish your delicious meal before I jam it down your throat,
little pal.

TERRORIST: Hey, you!  Get back in your seat!
SAM: But I FINISHED my meal!  You flight attendants are getting nastier.
TERRORIST: Idiot!  I'm a terrorist hijacker!
SAM: A clown terrorist ... how horrible.
TERRORIST: It's a mask, you clot!

From "Night of the Gilded Heron-Shark"

SAM: I don't recognize your face, Mr. Mack Salmon.  And you seem kind of
irritable.  Does it have anything to do with this glass head business?
MACK SALMON: YOU are responsible for my appearance!  YOU set in motion the
horrible events leading to the turn of fate which resulted in the twist of
destiny creating the grisly countenance you see before you!
MAX: How'd he get that way, Sam?
SAM: Some kind of boating mishap, I'm guessing.
MAX: Are you really alive in there, or is Thing One a ventriloquist?

MAX: Can we buy you a cup of coffee or some beezlenuts?
SERGEANT BLIP: No thanks.  Just getting to hurt people and ruin things is
MAX: tee hee

From "Night of the Cringing Wildebeest"

SAM: Well here we are at the carnival, Max.
MAX: It's a hateful and unwholesome place, Sam!
SAM: It does have a certain perverse fascination, doesn't it, little buddy?
MAX: He shouldn't have startled me.  I hate that.

SAM: I can't think of anything to say in this panel.  Take care of him, Max.
MAX: I've been authorized by the jurisdiction of whatever city this is to
punish you in whatever way I can think of!

From "Fair Wind to Java"

BARTENDER: It's for you, McGruff!
SAM: Did you hear what he called me?  I HATE that!
     Let's sneak up to his room later and drain all the liquid out of his body.
MAX: If he calls me "Hello Kitty" I'll plug him.

SAM: I feel kind of bad, beating up on superior alien beings.
MAX: So what?

SAM: That was a great trip, Max.  But I can't help but feel we've perverted
history somehow.
MAX: Who cares?

From "The Damned Don't Dance"

SAM: You must have had visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, little pal!
MAX: Oh, thank God!  I thought it was a twitching, lemon-sized brain tumor.

SAM: You know, Max, Father Christmas can squeeze his entire body through
any size hole he can get his head through.

SAM: And now I'd like to make a special nog toast to our swell Christmas
guests.  We would have bought you all presents but it never even occurred
to us.  OH, WELL!
SAM'S FATHER: It's a handsome bird, son.  Very realistic.
MAX: GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!  I want the neck ... and the face!

From "On the Road"

MAX: Take THAT and THAT and THAT!  HA!  I warned you, didn't I?  Didn't I
WARN you?  I thought I warned you.  I didn't?  Oh, sorry.
SAM: Nice shooting, Max.  Now let's line up a dozen raw eggs with the faces
of people we don't like drawn on them.
MAX: Oboy!  I'll get the hammers!

SAM: Now what are you doing?
MAX: I was just waving at some toddlers in the next car.  They're crying now!

SAM: Don't you just love stopping for breakfast when you're on the road?  I
do... and so does my hairy little friend.  And Max does, too.

MAX: The goons are riding motorcycles, but we've got a WHOLE, BIG METAL
CAR!  This will be like STEPPING ON ANTS!
SAM: It wouldn't be sporting to just run over them... would it?
MAX: Yes... yes, it would!

MAX: I don't like his filed teeth and his watery, yellow eyeballs!
SAM: You can't even see his face from here!
MAX: I don't like his belligerent elbows, his threatening ear-backs!

MAX: Look at all the cheerful hydrocephalic citizens!
SAM: They're wearing Mardi Gras masks, bonehead, as all New Orleans
citizens do year 'round.

MAX: I feel lightheaded, Sam.  I think my brain is out of air.  But it's
kind of a neat feeling.

PIRATE: We're going to bury you with our extra stash!
MAX: BURIED ALIVE?  I'm alarmed!
PIRATE: We're going to shoot you first.
MAX: Oh, thank God.

SAM: What ARE you guys?  And why did you suddenly drop your half-assed
pirate dialect?
PIRATE: We're Buccaneers!  We used to have mundane office jobs, working in
cubicles with water coolers and coffee cups with clever slogans and those
wacky calendars with photos of diseased-looking chimps wearing neckties.
SAM: But you've got hooks and peg legs.
PIRATE: Funny about that.

SAM: The sticky tentacle bit seemed to get to them, but it was really
something to watch you bludgeon the poor saps with your big rubbery head, Max.
MAX: I was caught up in the high spirit of the moment, Sam.

MAX: I have to use the ghastly-smelling restroom!
SAM: Here -- use these special tongs for anything you have to handle.
SAM: How was it, little buddy?
MAX: It was dark, like a cave, and there were no toilets -- just black,
smoking holes in the walls and floor!  Giant roaches howled like damned
souls as they skittered along the moldering grout-work!
SAM: Did you wash your fluffy paws?

From "Bad Day On the Moon"

MAX: He's got a boo boo on his head.  I think I should kiss it.
SAM: Watch it, Mister Sticky!  Don't let him get his mouth so close to your
MAX: Maybe he needs a transfusion, Sam.  LET'S GO GET SOME BLOOD!

SAM: By the way, Max.  That was a brilliant idea, stuffing the muffler full
of thousands and thousands of match heads and igniting them thereupon
providing adequate thrust to break free of the earth's pull.
MAX: Thanks, Sam.  I thought it up with my huge brain.

SAM: So let me get this straight.  We can breathe here then?
MAX: I guess those candy-butt astronauts didn't have the stones to try it.
SAM: I could never say that about an astronaut.

SAM: Giant rat guys!  Weird.  Interesting.
MAX: And somehow appropriate.  Shall we beat the living crap out of them, Sam?
SAM: Can't think of a reason not to.

MINISTER OF SCIENCE: The basic molecular structure of your little friend is
still vastly compromised.  Hand me that staple gun.

SAM: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the
sanctity of life.
MAX: BLAM!  And then he was mucilage!  Did you say something, Sam?
SAM: Forget it, little buddy.

From "Beast From the Cereal Aisle"

SAM: Max, in America, it's customary to drive on the right.
MAX: It's turning into a damn police state, Sam!

MAX: Did you see that?  The way he SMACKED my PAINT?
SAM: Well, I noticed somebody smacking something, but who am I to argue
with a delusional psychotic like yourself, right, little buddy?

SAM: I don't know what this is, but I want it.  It feels neat.
MAX: I'm an impulse buyer.  The primitive little knot at the top of my
spine says I'll have all this stuff.

STOREKEEPER: He speaks!  I'm frightened!
SAM: Stop touching me.

STOREKEEPER: NOOO.  I can't stand it.  It's killing me!  AARRGH!
SAM: I've never witnessed such mind-numbing horror -- well there was that
geriatric, nude-volleyball tournament...


From Sam & Max Hit The Road:

"Help me Sam & Max, you're my only hope."
		-Star Wars Spoof
		 Maintainance Robot in Sam & Max Hit The Road

Max: "If I ever get this rich and famous, I want you to shoot me Sam."
Sam: "It'll be my pleasure Max."

Conroy Bumpus: "Howdy partners, I'm Conroy Bumpus and welcome to
		Bumpusville!  Feel free to run though the mansion, but for
		pete's sake, don't touch anything!"

From Sam & Max, Freelance Police:

Max: "Did you check the car to see if it's okay for a long trip Sam?"
Sam: "Well, the wheels are still on... and here's the ignition key,
      everything checks out."

Sam: "I'm thinking of a number from one to ten, and I don't know why."
Max: "Me too!"          

Sam: "Lets stop someplace and take a rest.  A little to the left Max.
      There's another weird lizard farm coming up fast at eleven o'clock."
Max: "I feel the warmth of it's presence Sam."

From the Lucasfilm comic strips:

SAM: Well, we got through that with just a pinch of violence.  Although I
never thought I'd see my best friend put his mouth on Hitler's head.

SAM: Max, if I start to freeze, I may have to gut you and crawl inside your
body for warmth.
MAX: Please do!

MAX (wearing eyepatch): It's better than a sharp stick in the eye!  And
believe me, I KNOW!

From Nintendo 64's "Star Wars Shadows of the Empire" credits:

"Wompa training and supervision done by
		Sam & Max"

Want more? Go to
Page 2!!!

Copyright Mumble Jumble

To protect my interests and those of others, everything is copyright of Steve Purcell, Marlowe & Company, and LucasArts. If I've missed anyone on this, e-mail me and I'll add your name.

Thanx to Jon Lubbe for help with the quotes. Lastly, thanx to everyone who sent me their quotes. Keep 'em coming.

Chase me back to Grafter's Room.

Have more Sam & Max Quotes? E-mail me!