THE SCORCHED EARTH PARTY FAQ
Created 12/1/94, in reverential observance of Fail To Suck Day.
Q: Who are you, and what is the Scorched Earth Party?
- A: My name is Jeff Vogel, and I am the presidential candidate of the
Scorched Earth Party, the political party that will catapult a seared,
razor-slashed America into the giant ocean of hydrogen peroxide that will
be the third millenia.
Q: What is the difference between you and the other political parties?
- A: All political parties offer simple solutions. They are their bread,
butter, and crack. We do the same. But - Our simple solutions will WORK.
Why? Because they don't come from simple minds.
- We are violent and unreasonable men and women, dedicated to truth,
elegant solutions, and beating the crap out of bad people with out ever
present lead pipes.
Q: I am intrigued. And slightly aroused. Where I find more?
- A: alt.politics.scorched-earth. If you don't have it at your site, E-mail news@whatever and ask for it. If it is not created, beat your news admin to death with a lead pipe.
Q: What's the deal with the lead pipes?
- A: They are our heart. Our soul. Our loving, cold metal hands which we
use to administer loving caresses to those who need them, like the guy
responsible for Andy Capp.
Q: I am still aroused. What can be done about this?
- A: One of my primary goals as presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party is to use my position of power to obtain empty, joyless sexual encounters with my followers. So take a number.
Q: I am consistently amazed by how bad you're grammar and spelling is.
Must the English language be given the lead pipe treatment as well?
- A: I don't see why not. If it makes you nauseous, you should plan my assassination, and I will plan your fate as well. It is this level of enthusiasm, this ability to thirst for the blood even of those who are of only minor irritation to you, that keeps the vigor and joy in our party.
Q: I am still not convinced. What makes you so goddamned special?
- A: Well...
- The Scorched Earth Party is the first political party to place
the blame for the health care mess where it belongs: on the sick.
- The Scorched Earth Party was the first party to point out that
when we had that huge army in Saudi Arabia, we should have just
forgotten about Iraq and kept Saudi Arabia! Thaw way, we don't
have to worry about maintaining that inconvenient moral high
- We support mandatory sterilization of anyone seeing a Home
- We have placed a sentence of death on Jim Carrey. Stop him before
he films again.
- I am the first presidential candidate to show up at a gala
luncheon wearing a crotchless Barney suit.
- Our greatest goal is the creation of the First American Empire.
There are not enough nations on this sphere to satisfy our lust
for conquest. One day, we will all be up to our ankles in blood
Q: What is your stand on Bosnia?
- A: We must crush them while they are still divided and weak.
- Q: What is your stand on the Mac/PC thing?
- A: I use Macs. But it is more important that the fans of the two platforms
must unite, settle our differences, and go beat the living crap out of those
weenie Amiga people.
Q: OK! I'm sold! I'm filled with lust and joy now, I am turgid, and I want
to do something to prove my devotion to you?
- A: Go get a lead pipe. It won't be easy. Try a scrap yard or junk shop. You'll have to search. Find it. Clean it. Care for it. Name it. Make it your own.
- Then go to a Denny's. That's a good start. It's easiest to find a
good first target at Denny's. Just something about the clientele. Go there
and pick out a stupid person. It can be a Rocky Horror loser just back
from the weekly conformity ritual. It can be an old sourpuss just waiting
to die. It can be someone talking excitedly about how much he/she enjoyed
Junior. Whoever. It doesn't have to be fair.
- Then, beat that person to death. Do it slow. Do it lovingly. Hum. Savor the moment.
- Then write me about it. It will make my day.
Q: I'm on the way. I am prepared to follow you mindlessly. Any last words?
- A: I'm glad you asked.
The Scorched Earth Party
"It's not the heat, it's the humidity. It's not the voltage, it's the current. It's not the meat, it's the motion. And it's not the pipe - it's the will."
- Jeff Vogel
Scorched Earth Party
The Scorched Earth