I really can’t believe this; I’ve received over a hundred e-mails from people with suggestions, ideas, and encouragement. What really blew me away is that there were NO really mean or nasty emails. I have my faith in humanity restored
I appreciate every email that I get, and I’ve read each and every one.
The most common topic of discussion surrounds those ‘humane’ traps. I won’t use them for two reasons. Number one, they can run $10 or more, while they only hold one mouse. Now, I may be pretty successful in life, but I’m not loaded. Number two, I have no place to release a live mouse. I live in a pretty urbanized area. Pretty much anywhere I go, if I release the mice they will just infest another house.
So, please stop writing me to try the humane method. Your heart’s in the right place, but I’m not.
I really enjoy everyone’s questions and suggestions, however.
Charles asks: Chemical/Bio Warfare on the Horizon?
The answer is no. I will not use any weapons of mass destruction. I wouldn’t do anything that our own U.S. Military wouldn’t do.
A man named Brady suggested I could use a AC-130 Spectre Gunship, a heavily armed military aircraft. Thanks for the suggestion, Brady, but that would be too cruel.
I guess I should lay it out:
These are the things I will use:
These are the things I will not use:
Of all the letters I’ve received, this is the one that disturbs me the most:
I see that you are currently
engaged in malicious activities against my people in your HOMEland. We are a
peace loving species and wish not to harm you. Our emmigrants (sic) to your
HOMEland are being unfairly tortured and killed. As Mouse Overlord #1 I implore
you to cease and desist your warlike ways. Humans and Mice can live in harmony,
and Girls like mice too (promise).
Unfortunatly (sic) for you, my mice have contaminated your triple
bacteria ointment with triple disease carrying thingies. Do you think that all
we do is get into your tea, and run around behind your toilet? we also access
the internet whilst you are away buying more killing supplies.
More to come.
Mouse Overlord #1
I hope this is a joke. Dear goodness, I hope this is a joke.
A man known as Justin has a system I’d like to
try:
Here's a tried and true way to get rid of unwanted vermin. About a third of the way into the day, call an important meeting with the mice. Tell them that due to the inability to reach global forecasts, they have to be let go. Offer them a severence package that includes one month's worth of cheese, possible payment of the next peanut butter bonus, and an offer to sign them up for a series of seminars that will help them find new homes to infest. And until they do get into a new biulding, offer un-infestation insurance, 60% of their normal cheese income, taxed normally, which is completely inadequate, but what do you care, as long as they're out. Then parade them through their friends and co-workers to their desks, while having increased security watch their every move, like they're criminals. Escort them out and leave them in the cold. But I'm not bitter. Oh no, I'm not bitter.
Did you used to be my boss, Justin?
A man named Rob provided a pretty good solution, as well as a solution to any problems that may stem from that solution:
You
say you want to rid your lands of the fuzzy invaders? It's so simple:
hire a Combat-ready Anti-varmint Terminator (aka. "CAT") to perform
nocturnal seek-and-destroy missions.
The
mice soldiers will soon realize you have highly trained mercenaries they
could never hope to best and will leave for a safer territory to invade.
The CAT can also help boost moral among your troops, as they often provide
entertainment and camaraderie. When the enemy is defeated, the CAT will
continue guarding the premises night after night.
If
you don't want the CAT around after it's mission is complete, you can just
put 9-Lives on the mouse traps. A friendly nation may have a CAT you
could temporarily employ.
That’s great advice. I have to admit; I’m not a big CAT fan, but every once in a while they would be nice to have around. It’s good to know if I had one and tired of, I’ve got an easy out.
Lou pointed out something I hadn’t thought of:
By the way, changing the language of your notices won't help. The mice are used to having cats lie to them, so they tend to mistrust non mouse communications.
That IS good advice
I’m happy to know that I’m not alone. Several people have shared there stories of war, and have offered support in a number of different ways. Luke gave me perhaps the best offer:
...I was taken back by your shocking online dairy of your own war against terror. Young man, the British People salute you and your bravery... Mabey we could send over some British troops to be a "peacekeeping" force to monitor the situation.
Oh, and an Engineer named Ryan from Nvidia wrote me telling me shared the page with the people he works with. That made me happy. You guys make nice video cards.
Mice hunting humor:
Tom sent this into me. I like it.
http://www.plif.com/archive/wc260.gif
Aaron sent me this: (Warning, it has dirty words)
http://www.elcybergoth.com/pics/mcomic.gif
Thanks again to everyone and
there support.
I enjoy the letters. There are lots of mouse war stories you’ve sent, and I hope to be able to compile all of them soon.
As always, feel free to drop me a line at pathighgate@hotmail.com
Thanks,
Pat.