Here is a **** load of funny stuff I get on a mailing list

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results:
Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

The dumber people think you are,
the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important
lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
--From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell''
by Matt Groening

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

MOM'S BROWNIES

HOW TO BE ANNOYING

Screen messages:

Enjoy!
What do computer nerds use for birth control? Their personalities
Do files get embarrassed when they are unzipped?
Today's subliminal thought is: .......................
Is reading in the toilet multitasking?
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" =3D 100% compression
Software salesman to programmer: "You start writing the program and
I'll go find out what they want."
It said "Insert Disk #3" but only two will fit
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply
Do witches run spell checkers?
Copywight 1996. Elmer Fudd. All wights Weserved.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
The name is Baud... James Baud
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is only as long as its powercord.
11th Commandment: Covet not they neighbour's Pentium
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation
All computers wait at the same speed
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
Read my chips: no new upgrades!
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in.
Did you hear about the new supercomputer? It's so fast, it executes an
infinite loop in six seconds.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 500Mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to
320Mb, and then slowly returns to 500Mb
Texas virus: Doesn't do any damage, but makes sure it's bigger than
any other file on your system
Real computers don't each cache
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can re-boot faster
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are

Definitions:
- computer: a device designed to speed and automate errors
- upgrade: take the old bugs out, put new ones in.
- Ethernet: something used to catch the etherbunny
- mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available
- Windows: just another pane in the glass
- programmer: a red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects
- airline virus: you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
- hardware: Parts of a computer that can be kicked
- budget: a method for going broke methodically
- shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

Guy talking to a Pirate (The Pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a
hand and an eye patch): What happened to your leg?
Pirate: Well...It was a stormy night, the main spar fell on me leg.
Me ship was headed for the rocks, I had to takes me faithful pocket
knife and cut me leg off so's I could steer me ship away from the
rocks.
Guy: What happened to your hand?
Pirate: Well...I was fishin', got too close to the water when a big
ol'shark came along and bit me hand clean off. Got this nifty hook
when we got to port.
Guy: What about your eye?
Pirate: Well...I was lookin' up when this sea gull pooped in me eye.
Guy: Surely that didn't cause you to lose an eye?
Pirate: Well...Ya see, it was me first day with the hook.

Feeling Rejected?

Herbert A Millington
Chair - Search Committee
Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Tech Support Stories

It's the French Revolution and beheadings are proceeding as usual...

Examples that prove truth truly is stranger than fiction:

Today is election day in California.
- In 1645, one vote gave Oliver Cromwell control of
England.
- In 1649, one vote caused King Charles I of England to be
executed.
- In 1776, one vote made English the language of the
United States rather than German.
- In 1845, one vote caused Texas to be brought into the
Union.
- In 1868, one vote saved President Andrew Johnson from
impeachment.
- In 1876, one vote gave Rutherford B. Hayes the
Presidency of the United States.
- In 1876, one vote changed France from a monarchy to a
republic.
- In 1923, one vote gave Adolph Hiitler control of the
Nazi Party.
...So think about those examples when you consider what your one
vote is really worth] ...
Challenge the election laws: Vote!
Stan Webb forwards these rib ticklers...
Subject: Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

How to Form Your Very Own Silicon Valley Company...

Nautical Smiles

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

The following is from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon dated 3/6/91.

Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society.

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices
far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are
we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're
lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2)
he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's
totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small
electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments
and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when
suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.
He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have
roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where
are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a
perfect landing at Atlanta International.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the
pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't
understand how the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely
accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be
the IBM building."

Mad cows on the loose!

I don't remember what the title of this list was...

(1) Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

(2) A man is talking to God and asks him:

(3) What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

(5) This guy comes home from work one day...

Public service announcements from around the world:

A letter from mom:

A drunk in a bar is bragging about girls:

"This Old Mainframe"--Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how
you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstop or other decorative
object.
"My Three Suns"--Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three
Unix-based workstations in a suburban neighborhood.
"Wang Can Cook"--Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an
incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio guests
grudingly pay ever higher prices for his creations.
"Leave it to Spindler"--The Spindler tries to earn money by selling
apples, but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for them;
tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June, and the Board of Directors
sigh.
"Mayberry CPU"--Andy discovers that his digital clock has more
intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bea debugs Floyd's electronic cash
register.
"Mr. Rom's Neighborhood"--Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading
selections from various IBM documentation.
"Says Me Street"--Muppet-like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and
Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the
information superhighway. Large character known as Big BlueBird is a
favorite of the kids, although no one really knows why.

INTERNAL CORRESPONDENCE

RE: REVISED TRAVEL POLICY - FEDERAL BUDGET IMPLICATIONS

With the new bugetary constraints, all company travel is subject to the
following changes in policy, effective immediately.

LODGING:
Employees are to utilise all friends & relatives who live in the area you
are
visiting; if none are available, consider the shelters for the homeless
which
are available in all major cities. If weather permits, bridges & overpasses
provide very good protection from the elements and you have the
opportunity to
meet new friends. Solar blankets are provided in the new travel packages
issued to all travelling employees.

MEALS
Salad bars are the most effective as one plate will serve four persons if no
one is watching. Many grocery stores offer free samples, and with creative
disguises, you may be able to obtain a full meal. KNowledge of indigenous
roots, berries and other food sources are encouraged. Remember to place
unknown berries under your lip for five minutes to determine if toxic. If
you
are attending meetings at convention centers or hotels, then visiting other
meetings at meal times is certainly encouraged. A selection of name
badges is
available in the new travel package so that you will be able to get by any
security.

TRAVEL
Bus schedules are available in the Corporate Travel offices. Hitchhiking
is a
viable consideration and you will find your safety vest and sign board in
your
travel package. Airline tickets will only be issued in extreme
circumstances,
and then to the most economical destination. If you are going to Adelaide
and
it is cheaper to fly to Melbourne, then travel to Melbourne will be
scheduled.
Please note that during layovers in airports there is an opportunity to make
additional money. In your travel package you will find a Hare Krishna badge
and hat, and also a pony tail with a bag of little plastic roses ( you must
provide your own orange sari, incense, and bells - copies of chants and
mantras are in the travel package). Please keep accurate records of funds
generated.

ENTERTAINMENT
The handbook "How not to pick up the cheque", is included in yur package.
Memorise this information......never pick up a cheque regardless of the
embarrassment to yourself or others.

STRICT ADHERENCE TO THIS TRAVEL POLICY IS IMPERATIVE

Subject: Federal Agents on the job
From a talk by R. James Woolsey, then Director of Central Intelligence,
given at a conference on global organized crime.
Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a
true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live)
that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego.
It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with
counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby
pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following
telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they
were taping the hospital.
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
Click
Subject: Federal Agents on the job
From a talk by R. James Woolsey, then Director of Central Intelligence,
given at a conference on global organized crime.
Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a
true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live)
that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego.
It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with
counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby
pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following
telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they
were taping the hospital.
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
Click
Thought you might enjoy this....
The following was stolen from JINX: The World's Weirdest eZine. Send "Jinx
me"
to < jinx@thecentre.com for inclusion, subscription, and delight.
--
...you know, many important theological questions are answered if we
think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all
those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he
logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until
tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him.
God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the
system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God
will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact
duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the
users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and
now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off
his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the
one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.

If IBM made toasters...

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm;
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend;
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at thought;
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research;
Ohm resisted the idea at first;
Boyle said he was under too much pressure;
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience;
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam;
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco;
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight;
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately;
Morse's reply: I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in
his schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Mad Cow Disease

: Descartes was walking into a bar.
: The bartender asked: 'How about a beer?'
: Descartes replied: 'I think not.', and disappeared.
There was a gathering of famous philosophers. Through the magic
of time travel, they were all gathered in one hotel. It was really
jam-packed. Socrates arrives, stops at the desk, and asks for his room
number and key.
"Sorry," says the clerk, "but you're not listed here, and we have
no extra rooms. But if you can get someone to let you use the second bed
in their room, I won't charge you anything extra."
Off grumbles Socrates, up and down the halls, on every floor,
knocking on doors. Each philosopher is very sorry, but won't let Socrates
sleep in his / her extra bed, each giving an answer consistent with her /
his view of the universe, of course.
Finally, after many hours of this, hundreds of doors and excuses
later, Socrates knocks on the last door. Descartes answers, looks down
his nose at the elderly, bedraggled-looking man, and says, "And what do
you want?"
"I think this is my room," says Socrates.
"I think not," replys Descartes... and disappears.
[Socrates called for room service, putting it on Descartes' bill,
of course, then took a shower and a nap, and went to the social hour to
discuss with the others the possible whereabouts of Descartes.]
--

Keep the company of those who seek the truth,
and run away from those who have found it.
- B. Havel

Top 20 Engineering Terms:

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used
denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah
ah."
Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks
information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so
many question. I makes me mad."
Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire.
"Pass me attair gravy, please"
Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair
car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal
cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go
to church this Sunday."
Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie?
Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the
world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages,
ma'am."
Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should
have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them
chickens flew everwhichways.
Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah
reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo
wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an
amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink,
hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not
necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah
like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em
with red-eye gravy."
Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.
(Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it
was."
Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love
with you."
Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying
Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just
stand there and read it here?"
Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for
supper."
Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We
better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the
homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he
drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me
to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product
of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair,
suh."
Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the
stands and caught the ball."
Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior
Johnson."
Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin'
sinner."
Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change
a tar without a tar arn."
Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka.
"Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals.
"Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you
fer sayin' a cuss word."
Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on
mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY THE FOLLOWING...

I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF ...

Economic and Political Theory 101

Computer Tech Support stories

Democrats vs Republicans - The Issues

ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS 
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift 
		| chance                | sword of death 
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift 
    	        |                       | sword of death 
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift 
species         |                       | sword of death 
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift 
		|                       | sword of death 
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Give them the swift 
		| health care           | sword of death 
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,000,000| $29.95 
		|                       | (cost of one sword) 

ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS  
rich criminals  | Lock Them up          | Give them a second 
	        |                       | chance 
poor criminals  | Give them a second    | Give them the swift 
		| Chance                | sword of death  

In a joint press conference early this morning,

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

 Actual Newspaper Headlines: 

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction


------------- End Forwarded Message -------------
------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
Status: R


[Editor's note:  Sounds far-fetched to me.  -- Scott]

DARWIN AWARD

You all know about the Darwin Awards -- it's an annual honor given to the 
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves 
in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded 
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.  The 
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.  The 
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.  The lab finally figured out 
what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted 
Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military 
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.  He 
had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight 
stretch of road.  Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got 
up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 
1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from 
the crash site.  This was established by the prominent scorched and melted 
asphalt at that location.  The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached 
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in 
excess of 350 MPH and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces 
usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, 
basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles 
(15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes,
blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then 
becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face 
at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments 
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and 
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of 
the steering wheel.

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------




If you think your day is bad...

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section
of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire.  The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive
tank, flippers and face mask.  A post mortem examination revealed that
the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification.  Investigators then
set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of
a forest fire.  It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the
person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away
from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible,
called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.  The buckets
were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the
forest fire and emptied.  You guessed it.  One minute our diver was
making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a
breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air.  Apparently, he
extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------


 The following is excerpts from an interview with Madonna by a Hungarian
 newspaper (Blikk) translated into Hungarian and then back into English.

 Blikk: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled.  Did
 you have a visit here that was agreeable?  Are you in good odor?  You are
 the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and
 like to move their bodies in response.

 Madonna: Thank you for saying these compliments [holds up hands]. Please
 stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my
 garments for all to see [laughs]. This is a joke I have made.

 Blikk: Madonna, let's cut toward the hunt: Are you a bold hussy-woman that
 feasts on men who are tops?

 Madonna: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface
 my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a
 woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails
 present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that
 also makes my day.

 Blikk: Is this how you met Carlos, your love-servant who  is reputed?
 Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating many
 other people in your bed at the same time?

 Madonna: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a
 scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as
 regards these questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse!
Carlos is an
 everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being muscle-trained
 by him, not a sex machine.

 Blikk: O.K., here's a question from left space: What was your book Slut
 about?

 Madonna: It was called Sex, my book.

 Blikk: Not in Hungary. Here it was called Slut. How did it come to
 publish? Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer
 making suggestive literature to fast-selling CDs?

 Madonna: These are different facets to my career highway.

 Blikk: Thank you for your candid chitchat.

 Madonna: No problem, friend who is a girl.

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------




------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

     From Thursday's San Jose  Mercury News:
     Top 11 Reasons Engineers Make Better Husbands
     by Kathi Hunter  (included a picture of her and her husband)

     11.  Engineers require very little mirror time (unlike the 
marketing guy I used to date).

     10.  You never have to worry about shopping for birthdays or 
Christmas - a Computer Literacy gift certificate will do just fine.

     9.   No need to buy expensive work clothes - a couple pairs of 
jeans  and Dockers will carry you for about two years.

     8.   I was the first woman on my block to have my own e-mail 
address.

     7.   My shopping list has been on a spreadsheet for three years 
now.

     6.   Engineers never go carousing at bars - just Fry's 
Electronics.

     5.   Engineers actually know how to program VCRs.

     4.   The biggest argument at our house is Mac vs. PC.

     3.   There's always someone around to explain Dilbert to me.

     2.   My own Web site.  'Nuff said

     1.   He would never divorce me - California is a community 
property state and I would get half his software.

     Kathi Hunter lives in San Jose.....

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Things the English do better than us: traffic, churches, bacon, talk radio.

What's the difference between heaven and hell?

Definition of Heaven: the English are the police, the French are the cooks, 
and the Germans are the engineers.

Definition of Hell: the Germans are the police, the English are the cooks, and 
the French are the engineers.


------------- End Forwarded Message -------------




RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

 1. Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger
is involved.

 2. Men who have pierced ears are better
prepared for marriage.     They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.

 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible.  In a world   where there are more
women than men, it pays to recycle.

 4. Men are very confident people.  My husband is
so confident that when   he watches sports on
television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players   from our living room, and if
they're really in trouble, I have to get  off the
phone in case they call him.

 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes
them feel important.

 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper
in the morning.  Not being the first is upsetting to
their psyches.

 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep
with one under my  pillow, instead of a gun.

 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry
cleaner.  These men usually have jobs and bathe.

 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship."  These seven words strike fear in
the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man
has built a fire and the  last log does not burn, he
will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two types:  depressing and more
depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not
nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than
women. If your heating goes  out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously
than men.  I've never seen a man walk into a party
and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here.  There's another man wearing a black
tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's
department is usually on the first floor of a
department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad
contains three or more  types of lettuce, he is
serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be
"Mr. Right," if he  a) got older, b) got a new job, or
c) visited a psychiatrist, you are  in for a nasty
surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary
Grant is on record saying he wished he could be
Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk
about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they
talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women.  No
man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE
WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?
Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"  Most
men are outrospective: "Did my team win?   How's
my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he
didn't forget...   he didn't lose your number... he
didn't die. He just didn't want to  call you.

23. Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at
tennis. I asked him,  "Are we going to have sex
again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each  other."

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his
masculinity is a problem.    "Get out" and "I never
want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love  you... I want to marry you...
I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up
identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad
self-images because they grow up identifying
with Barbie.

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female
menopause.  With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27. Men forget everything; women remember
everything.

28. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
 They've already forgotten what happened.




------------- End Forwarded Message -------------


From an ex-field sales/support survivor:

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call
in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of
trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

    Service Rep:  Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

    Customer:     I bet that there is some command that I can put into


    Service Rep:  There is nothing that software can do to help you with


    Customer:     I know that there is something that I can put in...
		  some command... maybe it should go into the
		  CONFIG.SYS.

            [After a few minutes of going round and round]

    Service Rep:  Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
                  is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
                  can use.  I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
                  the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

            [Customer does this]

    Customer:     It is still smoking.

    Service Rep:  I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
                  a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

            [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
            heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
            four hours later]

    Service Rep:  Hello Sir, how is your computer?

    Customer:     I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
                  is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
                  to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that
                  done and how much it will cost..





------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas
 
The color of Spam
is natural as the sky:
A block of sunrise
 
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?
 
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door
 
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?
 
Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please

Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty
 
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin
 
Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle..Spam

  Pink beefy temptress
  I can no longer remain
  Vegetarian
 
 
------------- End Forwarded Message -------------



Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity.  Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish
a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has
not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard
Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
"I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for
change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"  General
pandemonium then ensued.



------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

=> BOOK: A new product!
=> 
=> A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its
=> appearance.  Indications are that if it catches on all the
=> electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
=> 
=> The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized
=> Knowledge.  The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).
=> Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching
=> aids on which most people are brought up nowadays.  It has no wires,
=> no electric circuit to break down.  No connection is needed to an
=> electricity power point.  It is made entirely without mechanical
=> parts to go wrong or need replacement.
=> 
=> Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits
=> comfortably into the hands.  It can be conveniently used sitting in
=> an armchair by the fire. How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably
=> easy invention work?
=> 
=> Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper
=> sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy
=> program of information.  Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so
=> that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order. To make it even
=> easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are
=> held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding". 
=> Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence
=> in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic
=> registration on the brain.  When one sheet has been assimilated a
=> flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found
=> on the other side.  By using both sides of each sheet in this way a
=> great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of
=> BOOK(tm).  No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to
=> another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working. 
=> 
=> BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely
=> opening it.  Instantly it is ready for use.  Nothing has to be
=> connected up or switched on.  The user may turn at will to any
=> sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases.  A sheet is
=> provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required
=> information sequence. 
=> 
=> A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the
=> BOOKMark(tm).  This enables the user to pick up his programme where
=> he left off on the previous learning session.  BOOKMark(tm) is
=> versatile and may be used in any BOOK(tm).
=> 
=> The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter.
=> Already a vast range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every
=> conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude.One
=> BOOK(tm), small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an
=> entire learning schedule. 
=> 
=> Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no
=> batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an
=> ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of
=> the user.  BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of
=> reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of
=> the binding.
=> 
=> All together the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems
=> to have great advantages with no drawbacks.  We predict a big future
=> for it. 
=> 
=> Here's the supervisor's response:  "BOOK(tm) does not, in
=> spite of the claims, seem to have 'great advantages with no
=> drawbacks'. Soon, it probably won't even be legal.  Consider:  It
=> can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.  Being
=> paper, it might burn in the fire.  Probably fire laws in most
=> locations wouldn't allow its use there.  Worse, such a device, which
=> encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by
=> OSHA's request. 
=> 
=> "Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets
=> cannot be used in the wrong order."  How quaint; to think that the
=> programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important
=> task to the user!  'Cannot' is clearly misused; any user could
=> incorrectly turn to the wrong page.  A proper user interface might
=> correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn
=> off to expose the next.  This is a clear conflict with "The user may
=> turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he
=> pleases."
=> 
=> "'BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of
=> reference'.  The user interface obviously needs more work before
=> such a system can be practical. 
=> 
=> "'The motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user'. 
=> Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends.  No serious
=> person would suggest even expecting a 'user' to have a brain
=> present, much less to use it so continuously. 
=> 
=> I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a
=> thorough associative search of the Web, like the rest of
=> us, and forget this nonsense."
=> 

Harry:

Here are our ideas for ValuJet's new campaign. Let us know what you think.

Best to Susan,

Rob
Advertising Dept.
_______________________

ValuJet: Our Fares Come Down With Our Planes!

ValuJet: The Subway. With Wings.

ValuJet: Earn Bonus Miles With Our Frequent Near-Miss Program.

ValuJet: Where Any Section Can Become A Smoking Section.

ValuJet: It's The Ground, Stupid.

ValuJet: We Offer Huge Out Of Court Settlements.

ValuJet: The Down To Earth Airline.

ValuJet: What Goes Up Must Come Down.

ValuJet: Don't Worry. Be Happy.

ValuJet: We Come Down Hard On Cheap Fares.

ValuJet: Complimentary Champagne During Steep Descents.

ValuJet: We Get You Down Ahead Of Schedule.

ValuJet: For A Fistful Of Dollars . . .

ValuJet: The Elevator Without Cables.

ValuJet: Yo! Whassup Widda Wing?

ValuJet: In-Flight Movies -- In The Plane To Your Left.

ValuJet: Pilots? We Don't Need No Steenkin' Pilots!

ValuJet: Our Engines Come On -- And Off!

ValuJet: Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!

ValuJet: Feelin' Lucky Today?

ValuJet: Your Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.

ValuJet: 'Gator Aid.

ValuJet: If It's Your Time -- It's Our Time.

ValuJet: Obeying The Law Of Gravity.

ValuJet: Look For Us In Your Neighborhood.

ValuJet: A Hole Lot Of Airplane.

ValuJet: Discounts For Group Swims.

ValuJet: We'll Pick Up The Pieces.

ValuJet: We Can Make An Impact.

ValuJet: We Don't Forget To Feed The Fish.

ValuJet: Nearer My God To Thee.

ValuJet: Real Men Land Wherever They Want To.




------------- End Forwarded Message -------------



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
Status: R


From: Fred Clegg =======================

SUBJ: Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...

Name: ____________________________________
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
"Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

Age: _____

Inner Child's Age: ___

Age in Dog Years: ____

Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____

Sex:
_____ M
_____ F
_____ Hermaphrodite
_____ Still working it out in therapy

Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily
____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim

Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________

Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
rent was cheap
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
as tax deduction(s)

Number of Children in Commune: _____

Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

Mother's Name: ____________________

Father's Name: ____________________

Where were you were conceived:
____ Woodstock
____ Monterey
____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
__________________

Number of copies sold: ____

Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head
on wind chimes: ___

Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue
____ Ricki Lake
____ Geraldo
____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news' surf report

Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____
(if all, enter "on tour")

Number of bongs you own: ____

Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed
ran out: ____

Political Party Affiliation:  (Choose as many as you have
personalities)
____ Green Party
____ American Communist Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party
____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party

How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles
___ Yards
___ Feet
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth,
in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

Number of surfboards owned: ____

Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
"like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
totally don't know)

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Fun With Freemen, Take One

The FBI found the Unabomber suspect on a long list of heavily-armed
recluses with a grudge against the U.S. Government. It's called the
Montana White Pages.

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Fun With Freemen, Take Two

Q: How do Montanans file their state taxes?
A: They let the Freemen fill them out, and the Unabomber mails them.

********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------



Subject: Fwd: IBM... a step ahead of the rest
Status: R
Content-Length: 5023

KABINDA, ZAIRE--
     
In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the company's   
ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member   of 
Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday   to 
crush a nut.
     
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily   
cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I   
could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added   
the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's   
help, I was able to break it."
     
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM   
was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a   
break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing   
via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and   
took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing"   
utensil.
     
Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist gospel   
choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into   
raucous, joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.
     
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to   
provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our   
telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global   
networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,   
IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an   
Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has   
the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
     
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most   
impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several   
minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a   
rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break.   
It is a good modem."
     
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,   
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601   
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit   
ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use   
of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a   
boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its   
mouse.
     
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle   
with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using   
every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later,   
Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's   
200-page owner's manual.
     
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers.  "We are pleased   
that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said   
company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is   
bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly   
creating a global village. The Bantu tribesmen are members of an   
ever-growing, international community of users who have turned to IBM to   
solve their networking needs."
     
--------------------------------------------------------- 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
---------------------------------------------------------
     
The following conversation recently took place between an 
eight-year-old and his father.
     
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I 
ask you a question?"
     
Father: "Sure, Son. What's the question?"
     
Son: "What is politics?"
     
Father: "Well, let's take a look at home.  For example, I
am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is 
the administrator of the money, so let's call her the Government. 
We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the People. 
Since the maid is paid with money that I earn, we'll call her the 
Working Class. Your baby brother we can call the Future. Now, do 
you understand, Son?"
     
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think it 
over."
     
Later that night, awakened by his baby brother's crying,
the son went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had 
seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room, 
and found his mother sound asleep.  He then went to the maid's 
room. Where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in 
bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by 
his father and the maid, and so the boy went back to his room and 
then fell asleep.
     
The next morning, he said to his father, "Dad, now I think 
I fully understand what politics is."
     
Father: "Good, son: can you tell us in your own words?'
     
Son: "Well, Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, 
Government is sound asleep, the People are being totally ignored, 
and the Future is full of shit."
     
     


Subject: Funny: Church Bulletins
Status: R
Content-Length: 2010


------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

 "15 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS"

     1. Don't let worry kill you---Let the church help.

     2. Thursday night--potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.

     3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
     community.

     4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
     nursery downstairs.

     5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
     David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

     6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
     of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

     7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies
     giving milk will please come early.

     8.  Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.  Mrs. Jones will
     sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

     9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
     Club.  All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister
     in his study.

     10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
     and lay an egg on the altar.

     11. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water."  One of the
     ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join
     in.

     12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
     of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new
     carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

     13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
     they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

     14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
     Music will follow.

     15.  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
     Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.



------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Subject: Funny: Top 20 Rejected Children's Books
Status: R
Content-Length: 1028

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

     
Top 20 Rejected Children's Books
     
20.  Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
19.  The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book 
18.  The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
17.  Alice in WonderBraLand
16.  The Legend of Three-Card Monte
15.  40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
14.  The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Goat Would Go Away 
13.  Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
12.  Where the Wildings Are
11.  The Little Big Book of Necrophelia 
10.  The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
 9.  Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick 
 8.  The Crack House at Pooh Corner
 7.  The Dummy's Guide to Crying
 6.  When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It 
 5.  Where's Waldo's Weewee?
 4.  The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
 3.  Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
 2.  Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
     
     
     and the Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
     
     
 1.  Furious George Delivers the Mail
     
     

Subject: FW: Think you make enough money?
Status: R
Content-Length: 1909

__________________________________
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute
assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a
day(working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll
make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take
him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they
would   have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college
student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made,   you'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this. . .

Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a
net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Subject: True Story :  Court Ruling on Email
Status: R
Content-Length: 1192

 
 JUDGE RULES ON E-MAIL PRIVACY CASE
 
 TULSA, OKLA -- The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that many
 legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of
 computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that
 employees have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from
 monitoring e-mail messages transmitted on company systems.
 
 The case went to court after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor
 monitored his e-mail and intercepted a message from Lindsey to a
 colleague. The message read: "That little sex kitten has been driving
 me wild. She's moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I
 was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be thrown out of the
 building. But don't worry -- all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the
 knife".
 
 Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting that a crime was
 in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent an
 uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police. However,
 he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to
 the vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and
 sought punitive damages as well.






Status: R

**** VIRUS ALERT*********

Suggest you immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS...Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS...Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS...Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
 year later, in another directory.

O. J. SIMPSON VIRUS...You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you  just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS...Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be
much  of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS...All files are flattened to the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS...This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It
 warns you of impending hard disk attack:  Once, if by LAN; twice if by
C:\.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS...Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS...Activates every component in your system, just before
the  whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS...Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

STAR TREK VIRUS...Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS...Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and  sends you a bill for $4,500.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS...The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
half  with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message  says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other
side.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS...It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new
files!" on the screen.  It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your  hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
virus.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS...Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little  units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be  the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS...Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 30 percent of
 their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error).

TEXAS VIRUS...Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS...You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS...Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying into its
own  motherboard.

PBS VIRUS...Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS...Your computer gets fat, slow, lazy, then self destructs,
only  to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS...Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS...Just does it.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS...Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS...Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Subject: funny:10 commandments
Status: R
Content-Length: 2845


                    THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR C PROGRAMMERS
                                       
   By Henry Spencer
   
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   1      Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements
          with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed
          thine.
          
   2      Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness
          await thee at its end.
          
   3      Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if
          they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced
          that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon
          thee when thou least expect it.
          
   4      If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy
          library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the
          most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.
          
   5      Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all
          arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday
          shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
          
   6      If a function be advertised to return an error code in the
          event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea,
          even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce
          aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot
          happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy
          arrogance.
          
   7      Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to reinvent them
          without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and
	  thy days pleasant and productive.
          
   8      Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to
          thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou
          likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving
          problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to
          understanding.
          
   9      Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six
          characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the
          years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without
          end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful
	  day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.
          
   10     Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy
          which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no
          commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this
          barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long
	  even though the days of thy current machine be short.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In San Francisco, a would-be bank robber wrote a hold-up note on a deposit
Status: R

slip he evidently got from a Wells Fargo ATM machine.  He then took his note
to a Bank of America branch office and handed it to a teller.  The teller,
thinking on her feet, told him: "I can't accept this, since it's a Wells Fargo
form.  There's a Wells Fargo office down the block where you might have more
luck."  The man turned around and left the bank.  The teller quickly called
the police, who had officers waiting at the Wells Fargo office by the time the
would-be robber got there.  They arrested him as soon as he handed his note to
a Wells Fargo teller.


Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up
and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.  The following dialog
ensued:

 Proctor: I beg your pardon?

 Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

 Proctor: Sorry, no.

 Student: Sir, I really must insist.  I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws
of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to
the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to
the examination.
****************************************************************

  Subject: Engineering Humor
Status: R

 
 
 Two engineering students meet on campus one day.  The first engineer calls
 out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!  Where did you get it?"
 
 "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
 pretty, young coed rides up on this bike.  She jumps off, takes off all of
 her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
 
 "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Funny: Arkansas State Residency Application
Status: R
Content-Length: 1966

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

     ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION


 Name: ________________    (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)          (_) Billy-Joe
                           (_) Billy-Ray
                           (_) Billy-Sue
                           (_) Billy-Mae
                           (_) Billy-Jack
                           (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation:
 (_)Farmer
 (_)Mechanic
 (_)Hair Dresser
 (_)Un-employed

 Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___

 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______________________

 Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:


 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_)The National Enquirer
 (_)The Globe
 (_)TV Guide
 (_)Soap Opera Digest

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)don't know

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Subject: Funny:  Accident (at Sea) Report
Status: R
Content-Length: 4992

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

Dear Sir,
         It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you;
regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following
circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report
before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the
World Press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the
affair.

         We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had
returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first
trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore
proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let
go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my
having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

         At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom,
having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was
the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the
Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared
away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting
the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at
full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the
entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear
that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking
effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in
that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary
to the river up which we were proceeding.

         The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by
opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to
stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly
opened and deposited a Volkswagon, two cyclists and a cattle truck on
the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the
contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs.
In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer
dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it
fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

         After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to
sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph,
and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern
revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and
was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add
constructively to this report.

         Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the
forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own
problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second
Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was
lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

         The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to
'run in under' the stern of my vesel, just at the moment when the
propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action
of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing
spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby
allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

         It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the
port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were
passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have
touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high
tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly
being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore
blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

         It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of
foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is
at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately
crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin
in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of
Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had
to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in
the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things
with my ship and my person.

         I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance
companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer
collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle.
These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they
did to the railings of number one hold.

         I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it
difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the
flashing lights.

         It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there
is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have
happened.

         Yours truly,
                     Master...


------------- End Forwarded Message -------------



Subject: Funny:  MIT Course Evaluation
Status: RO
Content-Length: 2484

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------


Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

        The Best and Worst Comments Received
        ====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me...
 I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...
 Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
 That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
 Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
 class."

"Help!  I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
 material."

"Recitation was great.  It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
 where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
 
"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
 presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I
 hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
 
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
 They've got a cool nest in the tree."
 
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
 
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
 Thursdays."
 
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
 Then solidarity kicked in."
 
"Bogus number crunching.  My HP is exhausted."
 
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
 
"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
 I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
 
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
 spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
 
"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led
 Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets
 that I would have used the text."
 
"What's the quality of the text?  `Text is printed on high quality
 paper.'"

------------- End Forwarded Message -------------



Subject: Funny:  Elephant Hunting
Status: R
Content-Length: 3336

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

               **** HUNTING AN ELEPHANT  ****

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing
out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm
A:
 1. Go to Africa.
 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
    alternately east and west.
 4. During each traverse pass,
    a. Catch each animal seen.
    b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm
will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never
hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd
based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND
DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it.  When the vice president does get to hunt
elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.  If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1)
compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself
to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and
look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing
the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and
write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and
sell them as desktop elephants.
------------- End Forwarded Message -------------


Subject: Funny: The Island Formerly Known As Java :-)
Status: R
Content-Length: 1672

>------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
>
>
>        SUN MICROSYSTEMS SUES ISLAND OF JAVA*
>
>Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark
>infringement against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's
>Java* trademark.
>
>Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for
>centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that
>time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the
>name."
>
>Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change
>its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but
>an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise.
>The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored
>coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most
>newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the
>island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island
>Formerly Known As Java*".
>
>The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass
>island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the
>Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it
>on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.
>
>Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge
>fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal
>papers for them...
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the
> trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced
> to use Microsoft products.
>
>
>------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Subject: Funny: The Nature of the Universe
Status: R
Content-Length: 2447

>------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
>
>Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a  dark side, 
>and it holds the universe together...."
>
>Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers 
>exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 
>disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. 
>There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
>
>Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human 
>stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
>
>Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting 
>thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
>
>Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the 
>modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen 
>from time to time."
>
>John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one 
>trifling exception, is composed of others."
>
>Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man 
>doesn't have to experience it."
>
>Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
>
>Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when 
>it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
>
>Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 
>of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
>
>William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the 
>universe seems to be missing."
>
>Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 
>build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to  
>produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
>
>Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know 
>what it's a plan for."
>
>Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
>
>Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated 
>but not signed."
>
>Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's 
>not holding a charge."
>
>Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life 
>exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
>
>
>------------- End Forwarded Message -------------
>

Subject: Funny: Everything I need to know I learned in corporate America
Status: RO
Content-Length: 2059

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
-Gregory Singleton


------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Subject: Funny Car Story
Status: R
Content-Length: 2062

>------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
>
>
>Following his company's IPO, a successful young entrepreneur goes out and buys 
>the fastest car available, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. At $500,000, it is also the 
>most expensive car in the world. While waiting for a red light, an old man
on a 
>moped pulls up next to him. 
>
>The old man looks  over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What 
>kind of  car ya' got there, sonny?".   The young man replies, "A 1996 Turbo 
>BeepBeep. It cost $500,000."  "That's a lot of money" says the old man, 
>shocked. "Why does it  cost so much?   "Because this car can do up to 320 
>miles an hour!" states the technocrat proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can 
>I take a look inside?"
>
>The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on 
>his moped, he says "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I don't know 
>if it's worth half a million."
>
>Just then, the light changes, and the guy decides to show the old guy what his 
>car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320
mph.  
>He notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be closing in on
him. He 
>slows down to get a better view, and suddenly,  whhhoooossshhh! Something
whips 
>by him, going much faster!  "What on earth could go faster than my Turbo  
>BeepBeep?" the  young man wonders. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming 
>toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! It 
>almost looked like an old man on a moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How 
>could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?"  Again, he sees a dot in his rear view 
>mirror!  Whooooosh  Ka-BbblaMMM!  It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing
>the rear end. The young man jumps out, and sure enough, it is the old man!!! 
>
>He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad!  Is there
anything I
>can do for you?" 
>
>The old man groans and replies, "Yes.  Unhook my suspenders from your 
>side-view mirror!"
>
>
>------------- End Forwarded Message -------------

Subject: FW: Humor: An Olympic Recap (fwd)
Status: R
Content-Length: 4550

 ************************
 
 
      NBC's mad dash for Olympic cash
      By Dave Barry
      San Jose Mercury News, 7/31/96
 
      AND NOW for my impression of the Olympics on TV:
 
      Trumpets: Bom!Bom!Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
 
      BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the
      Olympic themesong that we play almost as much as Kerri Strug's
      historic vault, it's time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped
      Olympic Games Featuring Americans.  We're going to start by taking you
      right to the track-and-field stadium, where the men's 100-meter dash
      is about to get under way, despite the fact that it actually happened
      four hours ago.
 
      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this promises to be an exciting race,
      featuring Americans.
 
      COSTAS: And what are the obstacles that these Americans
      have overcome to create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?
 
      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome
      psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.
 
      COSTAS:
      We'll come right back to the men's 100-meter final, but right now
      we're going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American,
      overcoming her ankle injury to make her courageous vault.  (Kerri
      Strug vaults.)
 
      COSTAS: What a human moment!  Time for a commercial.
 
      ANNOUNCER: We're IBM.  We're a giant corporation with vast computer
      expertise.  That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the
      statistics for these, the Olympic games of 1953. Thank you.
      Bom!Bom!Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
 
      COSTAS: Now we're going to take you to
      women's beach volleyball, where the sun is shining brightly despite
      the fact that it is now 10:37pm on the East Coast.
 
      BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob.  This is
      Holly McPeak, an American, and as you can see in this digitized,
      computer-enhanced, ultra-slow-motion BeachCam close-up, she has
      overcome cellulite.
 
      COSTAS: I'll say.   When is she going to serve?
 
      BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR:  She'll be serving in about four
      seconds, Bob.
 
      COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we
      need to show this Heartwarming Moment.  (Kerri Strug vaults.)
 
      COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe
      we have a race involving an American.
 
      CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob.  We have an American shown
      here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up
      to 636th.  COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?
 
      CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of
      hemorrhoids.
 
      COSTAS: We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now
      we're going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on
      the men's 100-meter dash.
 
      TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and
      should be over in about eight more seconds.  None of the Americans has
      fallen down.
 
      COSTAS: We're going to break away from the men's
      100-meter dash at this point, but we will be covering it throughout
      the course of the evening.  Right now, however, we want you to see
      this moment, captured by our NBC cameras.  (Kerri Strug vaults.)
 
      COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the
      American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.
 
      SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob,here we see an American swimmer winning a
      race. This happened earlier.
 
      COSTAS: How much earlier?
 
      SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob.  This is Mark Spitz.
 
      COSTAS: Time for this commercial.
 
      ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike corporation.  We pay famous athletes
      millions of dollars to wear our shoes.  Because of this, you, the
      public, pay absurdly high prices for these shoes.  Is that stupid, or
      what?  Thank you.
 
      Bom!Bom!Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!  (Kerri Strug vaults.)
 
      COSTAS: OK,right now there are some exciting gold-medal competitions
      going on in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis,
      softball, volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we're
      going to take you to beach volleyball.
 
      BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly
      McPeak is bending over.
 
      COSTAS: I'll say.
 
      Bom!Bom!Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!  (Kerri Strug vaults.)
 
 

Subject: funny:  The Diary of a Newbie 
Status: R
Content-Length: 3067

We see people move up to the Santa Cruz Mountains in summer or fall,  then
move back down when it quits raining.  They sometimes don't make it through
the winter before they move.



The Diary of a Newbie 



DEAR DIARY

AUG 12 Moved to out new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The
mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

OCT 14 Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are
turning all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful.
Certainly they are th most wonderful animal on earth. This must be
paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill
such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Massachusetts.

DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to
the driveway. I love it here.

DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snowplow!

DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits
until i'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands
on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow I swear I'll kill the
bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for three days, except for
shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman
says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many
shovels full of snow 10" is????

DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this
time. At this rate it won't melt before this summer. The snowplow got stuck
up in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my
shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the
shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking
head.

JAN 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and
on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did
about $3000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish
the hunters had killed them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in Town. Would you believe the thing is
rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
would ever live in that God-forsaken Commenwealth of Massachusetts.


Subject: Dubious distinction (fwd)
Status: R
Content-Length: 2358

 DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION
 
 The following is from the British Sunday Express giving
 gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions.
 
 
 Tortoise Trophy
 
 To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of
 lateness in the InterCity express train service by
 redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one
 hour of schedule.
 
 
 Rubber Cushion
 
 To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his
 hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
 
 
 Crimewatch Cup
 
 Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning
 home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on
 his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry
 Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very
 bright young man."
 
 Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver
 a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting
 cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and
 left his phone number.
 
 Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway
 vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in
 foot-high letters on the side.
 
 
 British Cup
 
 To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to
 Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and
 Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to
 intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up
 post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
 
 
 Flying Cross
 
 To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a
 Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile
 race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the
 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and
 handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first
 to third place.
 
 
 Lazarus Laurel
 
 To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round
 her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright
 and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were
 short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter,
 Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
 
 
 Silver Bullet
 
 To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above
 him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when
 it fell on him.
 
 
 -- 
 They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.    -Robert Heinlein
 
 A room without books is like a body without soul.        -Cicero
 
 
 
 


Subject: Funny: The chicken test.
Status: R
Content-Length: 1378

>------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
>
>In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from   
> Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,   
>telling   the following story. It seems the US Federal Aviation   
>Administration has a
>unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.  The    
>device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at    
>approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the
>windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real    
>collision with a bird during flight.  It seems the British were very   
>interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy   
>locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher,    
>loaded the chicken and fired.  The ballistic chicken hattered the   
>windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel    
>  and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.  The British    
>were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything    
>was done
>correctly.
>
>The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
>
> "Use a thawed chicken".
>
>
>------------- End Forwarded Message -------------
>
>
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------