*********************************** * Catalog of Quality Improvements * * (aka: Useless Inventions List) * *********************************** Version 1.5 [224 items] Last Updated: August 25, 1994 Email addr dated: March 21, 1996 Authors and Editors: hsieh@san-jose.ate.slb.com (Howard Hsieh) char@rescomp.stanford.edu (Charlotte Hsieh) and asymes@nl.oracle.com (Andy Symes) This is a collection of inventions society can do without, but because these inventions could exist, we would like to warn you about them before you sign those order forms. Please e-mail your invention updates to: hhsieh@cory.eecs.berkeley.edu =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Table of Contents ----------------- Part 1: What is a Quality Improvement? Part 2: The Canonical List of Quality Improvements Part 3: The "Maybe it's useful after all" Honorable Mention List Part 4: Some more amusing invention stories Part 5: Credits =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 1: What is a Quality Improvement? =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Anyone can mix a bunch of words together to make names for silly inventions, but the Quality Improvement is a little different. Here are some basic guidelines on what makes a Quality Improvement: =1= The invention should attempt to improve on something or serve a purpose. A "mesh umbrella" would allow people to see the sky, but a "mesh raincoat" serves no purpose at all. I originally rejected "concrete parachute", but someone came up with a good reason: you don't get blown all over the place. :-) =2= The invention should be physically conceivable. A "tissue-paper car chassis" can't even hold itself up, let alone try to serve as a chassis. "Supernova-powered flashlights" don't make any sense at all. "Ejection seats for marriages"? Cute, but no. =3= The invention is not an oxymoron or an opposite. Examples of Oxymorons: Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence, Politicians that tell the truth, Cease-fire in Bosnia, Independent Olympic Judges For a list of those, please refer to the Canonical List of Oxymorons. =4= The invention is not placed in some trivially specific context. Some inventions obviously don't make sense when placed in a certain context such as Gloves for people with no hands, cigarettes for people who don't smoke, laundromats in nudist colonies, arm wrestling contests for people with no arms and no hands and don't have prosthethic devices. :-) Keep in mind these are only guidelines :-) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 2: The Canonical List of Quality Improvements =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "The scary thing about this whole useless invention thing is that there are *real* useless inventions out there; we don't even have to make them up." mading@sol.acs.uwosh.edu (Steven L. Mading) The following inventions do meet our quality standards. We hope to bring you the latest in state-of-the-art antiques. Please submit your invention updates to: hsieh@san-jose.ate.slb.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRODUCTS CREDITS AND/OR COMMENTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-900-COLLECT Charge people you call The MOST (tm) 7-day or 10-day Federal Express Service 7-day waiting period (Brady Bill) for nuclear weapons 100% Goose Down T-Shirts 100% recyclable environmentally safe CHAINSAW AC adapter for electric cars AC adapter for solar calculators more power? Air Bag for Aircrafts Air Bag Testing Service might exist Air conditioned coffins to go with that designer pillow ALL-terrain roller blades Anemometer waterproof to 200 feet nstevens@starbase.demon.co.uk Anti-Theft "The CLUB" Diskette Device ?? not a disk case Armpit-Scent Deodorant Artifically flavored pecans (what the $%*%& is wrong with the real ones?) kawilson@infonode.ingr.com (Keith Wilson) Asprin Flavored Non-asprin painkillers Asprin Flavored Gum Battery powered nail clipper Battery powered nose hair clipper Battery powered straw not I.V. unit or life-support air tube Bifocal binoculars nstevens@starbase.demon.co.uk Black Highlighter OK for censoring Blank CD-ROM for the masses Useful for testing. Testing what? Braille Driver's Manual quaker@netcom.com Braille Encoded Cam-corder mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com Braille Speed Limit Road Signs Brake oil asymes@nl.oracle.com Broom with bent handle ?? for sweeping around corners? Bubble-less Champagne Cabin pressure system for Cessna 150 mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com Camouflage Billboards some road signs are this good Cast iron toilet paper (durable) Cast iron wire derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu Cat flap for the fridge Centre-zero speedometer (useful for reverse) totake@furball.eng.ua.edu Cereal enriched with optical-fiber Helps you see better? :) Checkered paint schwarzm@cs.ucdavis.edu Clapper-Operated Car Alarms Clapper-Operated Door Locks Clapper-Operated Stagelights Clear Correction Fluid Clear Highlighter Pen Cliff Notes(TM) for PBS Kids shows especially Barney! Coin-Operated ATM's might exist some day (yuck) Coin-Operated Change Machine Coin-Operated Wishing Well throws coin for you Cold Sauna for those who can't stand the heat Common Sense Detector how reliable would THIS be? Compact Disc Rewinder kywwp@igc.apc.org Compact Limo Completely Digital Computer absolutely Completely Transparent Bumper Sticker I have nothing to say. Computer Mouse Trap Concrete Parachute isn't blown around as much; less tangle Cord-less Extension Cords Steven Wright Cord-less Pay Phone Cord-less Plumb Line avk@hafnium.cchem.berkeley.edu Cord-less Wire Death Penalty for Suicide Decaffeinated Vivarin Decorative Magnets for Computer Monitors Dehydrated Water just add water De-ionized Plasma Deuterium (D2O) filter for kitchen faucet Diet Celery more negative calories Dim/Tinted High-Beams Do-It-Yourself Community Service Handbook Do-it-yourself Heart Surgery Kit from various comedy shows Dolphin-Free Whaler Harpoons Downhill stair-stepping machine Dry Ice Sauna for the misty effect (attn: actors) Dry Towelettes Edible Books Literally digest the material Edible condoms with spermicide Ejector Basket for Hot Air Balloons cs9h3bbt@swan.pyr (b.tabrah) Eject/Open Buttons for CD Remotes prdemeo@christa.unh.edu (Paul R Demeo) Elastic accessories for "No Nonsense" (TM) Bra Electric banana straightener red1@waikato.ac.nz Electric kazoo felch@wam.umd.edu Electricity Powered Electric Generator Elevator Stair-Stepping Machine jhoglund@BIX.com Fake Faux Pearl Necklace Fake Rhinestones from Steven Wright list Finger dumbbells so you can type stronger Fireproof Fireplace Logs save them for next winter Fireproof Matches Fizzy milk bh@granby.demon.co.uk (Bruce Horrocks) Flashbulb tester for home use derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu Foam rubber toothpicks for sensitive teeth derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu Fresh Air Alarm Detector like people should start breathing more if it rings Frictionless Sandpaper lecates@chopin.udel.edu Frowning Smileys :( :) Furry Toiletpaper for furry toilet seats Gasoline Powered Air Freshener Gasoline Powered Air Filtration System Gasoline Powered Calculator Gasoline Powered Exercise Bike Gasoline Powered Hearing Aid Glow-in-the-dark India Ink Glow-in-the-dark Soap Glow-in-the-dark Sundial SSEXTON@delphi.com Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses not to be confused with fluorescent Glow-in-the-dark Suntan Lotion G-rated strip bars Hair Dryer, Underwater cs93soh@brunel.ac.uk Hair Dryer, Weatherproof dm11@akc.ac.uk Hand Powered Chainsaw het3@crash.cts.com Heated Refrigerator Heavy Duty Bath Soap with Bleach ouch! Helium Dumbbells Helium Paperweights would take a lot of helium Humane Ant Traps and Roach Motels Humane fish hooks cited from the NY Times Humane Torture Racks not the adult S/M type Ice skate sandals for use in hot climates Imitation Cubic Zirconia Imitation Puppets Hey, those aren't real! Impact-Triggered Parachute dan.bastecki@filebank.cts.com Inflatable Anchor imo@sonny (Immanuel O'Levy) Inflatable Dart board for Camping Inflatable Nautilus Equipment Insoluble Suppositories Instant Dry Dry-Skin lotion Left-handed Bacon Stretcher cs9h3bbt@swan.pyr (b.tabrah) Lighter powered Car Battery Charger russbre@wpi.edu (Brett Michael Russ) Liver flavored Lollipops felch@wam.umd.edu Low Salt Brine marcus@guitar.demon.co.uk Low-calorie Power Bar avk@hafnium.cchem.berkeley.edu Magic Eye(TM) Road Signs so people will try to pay attention Matte finish floor wax het3@crash.cts.com Mechanical Pencil Sharpener Mesh Condom PBSAMPSO@CHEMISTRY.watstar.uwaterloo.ca Mesh Umbrella Wind won't catch it Mineral Water Popsicles would you BUY these? Monitor-wristrest computer combo hct@lems1d.cs.brown.edu Mother-in-law's day kawilson@infonode.ingr.com Motorcycle Air Bag mwp@cure.att.com (Michael Phillips) Motorcycle Air Conditioner for the rider? Motorcycle Ashtrays Sean Clark (smc@muppet.bt.co.uk) Motorcycle Cup Holders Motorcycle Power Steering Motorcycle Windshield Wipers Helmets with wipers might work Motorcycle Seat Belts Nintendo Laserprinters Have Mario framed on the wall No-fault earthquake insurance reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid) No grit sandpaper het3@crash.cts.com Non-Alcoholic Everclear Non-drip cooking oil Steve L Non-toxic Chemical Weapons safe for the launcher, not target Nuclear Powered Radiation Detector Obscenities on Diapers or Toddlers' Clothing freedom of speech, right? One-Peso and One-Yen Bills One way round trip tickets Steven Wright Open-tipped condoms for greater sensitivity Parking Tickets for Information Superhighway FEAR IT Pocket Hernia Tester Polite Car Alarm (that reads Miranda rights in English) Pollution-free detergent Portable dishwasher Precision zero volt reference kurts@sad.hp.com (Kurt Strain) Press-On Nail Top computer (Intel(TM) Inside!) Radar Detector for Speed Walkers Remote Control Exercise Book fight carpal tunnel syndrome? Remote Controlled Exercise Bike Remote Controlled Remote Control Steven Wright Rest Stops without Restrooms uh oh Re-usable tampon (yuck!) asymes@nl.oracle.com Scrambled Videotape Movies Screen Cover for Cups to hold the ice in Screen Doors for Airplanes feel the breeze Screen Doors for Space Shuttle feel the vacuum Screen Doors for Submarines Second-hand fireworks schwarzm@cs.ucdavis.edu See-through Blinds ian@acclaim.visix.com (Ian Falicov) See-through yashmaks Serial bus hard drive v20011@dax.cc.uakron.edu Shopping Carts for Homeless from Rush Silly Putty! 'NUFF SAID! Sneeze guard for restaurant tables Solar Powered Flashlight [see part 3] Solar Powered Miner's Hat Solar Powered Pacemaker Solar Powered Tanning Bed ok if UV safe Solar Powered Torch [see part 3] B.R.Bourner-SE1@cs.bham.ac.uk Soundproof Speakers Speed Bumps for Raceways works in motorcross, tractor-pulls The Static Channel w/ TV logo in the corner cheap to transmit Steel-Belted Radial rubber bands don't you hate it when they break? Strap-on portable chairs Sugar Coated Toothpaste Suicide Kit comes with lifetime guarantee Superconducting insulator v9d192@ugrad.cs.ubc.ca Super-glue Post-it Notes Sushi vending machines ?? kawilson@infonode.ingr.com Take-home Barf Bags not for scientific use Teflon Velcro ez046379@othello.ucdavis.edu Toasted Popsicles Toupee/Wig with a chinstrap so it doesn't blow away Training Wheels for Sports Cars Unbreakable Pinata save them for next year Umbrellas with Sun Roofs Unscented Perfume Velcro shoestrings kawilson@infonode.ingr.com (Keith Wilson) Velvet Raincoats Virtual reality dishwashing Virtual reality laundry service Virtual reality PONG komori.silver.acs.indiana.edu Virtual reality showering Virtual reality sleeping Virtual reality sunbathing ?? Water: freeze-dried, instant, diet Waterproof Coffee Grounds Waterproof Powder Waterproof Sponge Waterproof Swimsuit Diapers ?? Waterproof Tampons Waterproof Tea Bags red1@waikato.ac.nz Waterproof Toilet Paper Waterproof Towel Wax flowers for Outdoor use Windscreen-wiper warning light imo@medphys.ucl.ac.uk Wind-up radio or tv World's Largest Microchip marka@amber.ssd.csd.harris.com XL bicycle clips, for cycling in shorts Frank Muir =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 3: The "Maybe it's useful after all" Honorable Mention List =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Some inventions may seem useless at first, but are actually quite useful. For example, silly products such as the failed "Factory Glue #3" at 3M Corporation turn out to be superstar "Post-It Notes". One person's garbage is another person's gold mine. This list contains some of the more popular inventions from the rec.humor newsgroup that were shown not to be a Quality Improvement by follow-up posts. >> Anti-Lock Brakes for Bicycle May be very useful for those high-speed mountain and some racing bikes! (karlcz@cory.eecs.berkeley.edu) >> Battery powered battery charger Capacitors. Big batteries charge small ones, also used in Battery Packs >> Braille Drive-thru ATM's, Car radio dial, etc. It's cheaper to produce just one set of molds for the ATM's rather than have two separate ones for walk up and drive up. (frank@oracorp.com) Also passengers. >> Clear sunglasses for cloudy days Glasses that can change tint. >> instructions for people who don't understand ; >> Posters advertising adult literacy People can recognize what language it is, and those who know just a little bit of the language may find it useful. >> Helicopter Ejector Seats There exist designs where the blades fire away from the cockpit. >> Portable Cable TV Coming soon! The TV signal is re-transmitted/relayed over the airwaves. >> Solar Flashlight These DO exist. Solar energy is stored in batteries for later use. But a 500 watt torchlamp wouldn't work at all. >> Snow Tires for Bicycle They exist. Winter riders also wrap pieces of rope around the tires. >> Telephones/Pagers for the Deaf/Mute/etc. They exist. A special teletype receiver is used to send and acknowledge messages, and with lights placed in strategic locations, it should be no problem. Some pagers feature a silent vibrating buzzer. >> Trailer hitch for Compact Car These things are *commonplace* in Europe. >> Wheelchair access to Karate, Dance studios What makes you think the wheelchair bound wouldn't/couldn't do Karate? It is a great form of exercise and even the wheelchair bound need exercise, not to mention a means to defend themselves. Not everyone in a wheelchair is a quadriplegic, AND Karate is as much an exercise of the mind as of the body. (wl-audrey-spe@society.com) Also, not everyone at the studio performs; some come to watch. >> Write Only RAM /dev/null >> Those annoying net features like: MAKE.ME.MONEY.FAST, Major Whiner, and people who post old, boring jokes. Yes, definitely a silly invention! :-) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 4: Some more amusing invention stories. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Neckties stsai@husc.harvard.edu Neckties started out as some sort of napkins when you dine at someone else's house. They are usually unwashed to show off the grease, and thus your wealth. Somehow this tradition just got carried over to the 20th century. I wonder if anyone dares to use his necktie as a napkin during important public dinners. ;) Fresh unroasted coffee beans. miklos@fig.citib.com (Steve Miklos) Someone in marketing was watching the great upswing in sales of coffee grinders and fresh-brewing apparati that began a few years ago and still continues. Being a marketer, he tried to think of how to jump on this fresh-brewed bandwagon. The idea was simple and brilliant. If freshly-ground coffee was better than store-ground, wouldn't freshly-roasted be even better? He created a product line of home coffee roasters and many were actually produced, sold at wholesale, and shipped to retailers. The problem? There wasn't anyplace the average consumer could get fresh unroasted coffee beans. Those who could find them would have had to buy them by the 100-lb bag! Most of the roasters went for scrap. Parking Spaces for the Blind forrere@ccmail.orst.edu (Gene Forrer) I forgot to mention the woman at my old job who had a handicapped parking permit and a reserved parking spot. Her disability? She was stone blind. Her husband worked there also and drove her to work; seems he really knew how to work the system. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 5: Credits =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= This list started out as a brainstorm in March 1992 by me and my sister Char, and was first introduced to rec.humor in January 1994, when Andy posted an article titled "Useless Inventions 0.1" that called for some wonderful ideas. We would like to thank everyone who contributed to the list, including the following people: manish@neceng.coe.neu.edu (Manish Tandon) a person named DOOM s1719104@techst02.technion.ac.il anello@adcs00.fnal.gov (Anthony Anello) mg@ulysses.att.com (Murthy Gandikota) the folks at rec.humor As a final note, the comedy show _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ has a wonderful regular skit known as the Invention Exchange. Some day I'll add this to the list, but I'll need some help, since I haven't seen all the shows. :-) _______________________________________________________________________________ Andy Symes Developer, Oracle Europe Technology Division | Phone: +31-3406-94211 Rijnzathe 6, | 3454PV De Meern, The Netherlands | Email: asymes@nl.oracle.com _______________________________________________________________________________ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ /_/ /_/ Don't be :( :) :) =y(: / /oward / /sieh Join the smiley party :) :) :) Schlumberger ATE :) (: :) :) (: =Y(: 1601 Technology Drive, San Jose, CA 95110-1397 :) :) (: (: hsieh@san-jose.ate.slb.com :) (: (: oO(: http://ptolemy.eecs.berkeley.edu/~hhsieh :) Oo\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------