Smith College Graduating Class of 1994, Commencement speech

"Hello, graduates. I will be brief."

"As I stand here today, staring out over a sea of hopeful, fresh, zit-
encrusted, vacuous faces, I cannot help but be moved. I see in you all a
wonderful, renewable natural resource, ready to be mined, polluted, and

"But that is all right, because, as I am a politician, I know you see the
same thing in me."

"As you go out into the world, you will have your naive beliefs shredded,
your loves exposed as flawed, your hopes dashed, and your sensitivities
rasped away. You will also stop liking sex. I remember the first time I
got a charlie horse while having a blowjob-induced orgasm. It's happened
every time, ever since. This is a metaphor for life."

"I will use you. This will make you bitter, then selfish. Then you will
use others. And thus is the eternal cycle of life renewed. This is beautiful.
It brings a teardrop to my wizened eye."

"And now I send you forth, with one last phrase of wisdom. One day, I learned
to get my orgasms from skillfully administered hand jobs, and things have
been beautiful for me since. One day, a similar thing will happen to you,
metaphorically. Then you will be evil. Huzzah!"

"That's it. Women interested in high-ranking positions in the Scorched Earth
Party come see me during the reception. Well trimmed nails only, please."

"Now go flip burgers."

To the Rutgers Graduation Speech