Newsgroups:   alt.politics.scorched-earth,talk.politics.misc,talk.bizarre
Subject:      Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: Canada
From:         jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel)
Organization: Rutgers University LCSR
Date:         27 Oct 1994 02:35:04 -0400

I am torn, O' yea, verily, I am. 

On one hand, I grew up in western Washington, where going over the border
to visit our friendly northern neighbor was just a funky way to spend
the weekend.

On the other hand, I am the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth 
Party, and I have a sacred responsibility. When I look at our northern
neighbor, lying there like a fat, bloated sow with its exposed underbelly
towards us. I picture our first mighty thrust, gutting it with one slash,
and I see its rich, nutritious entrails showering down upon us, like a
pinata, but icky.

Canada would be so useful! It could be our vacation land, like a big
Disneyland! We could store excess cheese there! We could perform bizarre
medical experiments to try to cause everyone in Quebec to merge into one
gigantic fleshy protoplasm! We could import the seals, lobotomize them, and
use them as comfy, pre-warmed throw pillows! It would be cool!

And evil! It would be evil!

And you Canadians should not be offended by this. I promise. I say all this
because I like you. You see, as awful as being gutted from stem to stern
by our mighty armies will be, it will be peanuts compared to what will be
happening in this country. 

Scorched Earth Party -
        "Remember - an invasion is just our way of saying 'I love you.'"

                                        - Jeff Vogel
                                        Scorched Earth Party

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