The most successful virus ever.

Line of Inquiry (9 Sep 1994)

Would you kill a stranger for a hundred dollars? - No, I would not do that
 thing. - Would you, for a thousand? - I might do that thing. - Would you,
 for ten thousand? - I would do that thing. - Would you take all the money
 I have in the world, if it was a hundred dollars?  -  I would not do that
 thing. - If it were a thousand dollars? - I might do that thing.  - If it
 were ten thousand dollars?  - I would do that thing.  - Would you kill me
 for a hundred dollars?  - Do you have a hundred dollars on you? - Maybe I
 should ask something else.  - Maybe you should.  - Would you sell a loved
 one into a life of degrading slavery for a hundred dollars? - I would not
 do this thing.  - For a thousand dollars?  - I would not do this thing. -
 For ten thousand dollars? - I would not do this thing.  - For one hundred
 thousand dollars? - This line of inquiry no longer amuses me. Goodbye.

Re: short shameful confession (15 Mar 1995)

Dave DeBry <****> wrote:
> lately, i've been having trouble distinguishing between nike
>commercials and microsoft commercials.

Jade and I dearly love the MS Office ad in which they talk about how all new ideas are seen as foolish and impractical at first, and in the ad some old guy representing the forces of tradition takes a sheaf of papers from the hands of a young guy representing the forces of progress, and he throws them over the railing of the staircase they are standing on. The pages flutter down and down past all these other people, until they spread across the floor at the bottom of the stairwell, where a solitary woman picks up one of the pages, glances at it, and makes an interested expression as she walks off with the page in hand.

"Be challenging," says the ad.

"Steal the ideas of others!" Jade and I chime in.

Welcome to business life.

Commercial break (24 Jul 1993)

[Camera tracks in on a single gentleman seated behind a lab counter.]
"We do it BETTER!"
[Man speaks:]
Hi, folks. Are you as sick of "state-of-the-art" as I am? Are you tired of
these faceless conglomerates who toss around jargon as they casually
make preposterous claims?
"We can turn lead into gold."
"We are creating immortal superhumans in our basement."
"We have absolute surveillance ability over the entire world."
Nonsense. At Hi-Tekki, we admit that such things are impossible, unlike
some of our competitors. Progress is slow but steady; anyone who
tries to convince you that an all-powerful technology is just around
the corner is pulling your leg.

Take, for example, X Industries. Now, you might think that just because
they are our biggest rival, I'm a biased narrator, but bias doesn't
come into it. Just look at their claims. Their so-called "Neural
Degeratore", for instance. Only a cmplete idiot would believ itt
tobe possible for brain mater to be dissolvd erased r exspludd,, remotely,
frm uptp a klimeter away. Only soncs at claose range can acheive sucha
an an efct butX wouldha you bleivea they k kk can do ti. At Hi-Tekki
we undasthd whatis ori hnk hnk isnt posbly possbile hnk andw wont'
hnk hnk hnk hnnnnnnnnnnnghk
[Man collapses, blood pouring from eyes and nose.]
[Sublim, visual: X]
[Sublim, audio: "X Industries. Don't fuck with us."]

Why I should be in advertising (17 July 1996)

Image: Darkness

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "In my day, we used every part of the animal."

Image: A match is struck, breaking the unending black. The hand holding the match is old and dry, the hand of the chief. It reaches down and touches the small flame to a kindling and tinder pile which begins to burn.

Image: The old chief is donning the gear for the seeking-hunting dance; he straps feathered wings to his arms and the face of the eagle over his own tired face.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "We raised our voices to the land-gods and they showered us with bounty. And we respected their generosity by using all that they gave us: the meat, the hide, the hoof, the eyes. All of these things had their uses."

Image: The old chief steps out of his tepee into the cold of the desert, just before dawn. The light is bluish and faint. He looks old and sad; his heart is heavy.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "But in these dark times, many have forgotten the way of it. They take life but they disrespect its gifts. So I set out with sadness in my heart, to ask the gods if I am alone."

Image: The desert at dawn. The sky beyond is blues and purples. Silhouetted against this color is the old chief, dancing to the beat and chant of a single other person.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "I call to them, Am I the only one who remembers? Am I the only one who knows how to treat your gifts?"

Image: The sun breaks over the horizon, spilling warmth onto the world.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "I ask the Gods to grant me the wings of the Ghost Eagle, that I may fly across the land and find another who treats the hunt with its due respect."

Image: Crane-to-helicopter shot rises up from the old chief as he dances, his face going from saddened to elated as his spirit lifts free. The shot begins to track away, across the desert, higher and faster, dissolving eventually to:

Image: Oscar-Meyer processing plant in the desert, bright and glorious in the morning sunlight. Track in.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "The Gods are kind, and they carry my spirit to its answer. I am not alone."

Image: Conveyer belt heaped high with discarded bits of animal-- pork, beef, chicken, all types of animal-- hooves, beaks, snouts, tails, intestines, horns, all types of extraneous parts. The conveyer belt vanishes into a huge building merely marked, clearly, with the Oscar Meyer label.

Image: Neatly-packaged Oscar Meyer products-- lunch meats and hot dogs, mostly-- are piled out by the rack-load for a hungry world.

Voice-Over (Old Indian Chief): "There are still those who remember."

Dissolve to:

Image: Black background, Oscar Meyer logo, text in yellow-white:

"We use every part of the animal."

Market Analogy I (1 Sept 1998)

There's a big corral down in that there valley, full of horses, and the ranch hands, they been buying more and more damn horses and just tacking more 'n more corral fence on to keep 'em contained. The main hand, "Buck" Greenspan, occasionally tells the other hands that they better git some kind of real fence together 'cause one of these days that slipshod corral ain't gonna hold all them damn horses no more, and the hands run around and they hammer on stuff and they make a lot of noise 'n it looks like the ol' place is gonna get fixed up right 'n proper finally but then after a few days all the ranch hands, they's back t'buyin' horses like mad 'n stickin' 'em in the corral. Until the big storm come 'n broke open the corral, 'n hundreds of horses done ran all the hell over the place, and it was quite the sight last night, yessir, with horses runnin' all over the damn place, but this morning things is calmed down a bit and, well, as you might expect when lots of horses is runnin' loose all over the place, banditos have started to come down out of the hills to nab themselves some horses of their own and put 'em in corrals. 'N before y'know it, the banditos' corrals have merged with the other corrals and they's all gonna be in the same boat again. <hhhkkk p-ting!> Buncha damnfoolery, you ask me.

Market Analogy II (1 Sept 1998)

I have a gun, a revolver, it holds six bullets, it has one or maybe two rounds in it, not sure, don't know for sure, can't really tell, I'm in a room, millions of other people, all of them have guns, maybe some of them have more bullets than me, jesus we've all got guns, all pointing at each others' heads and it'll be okay, if nobody pulls their trigger we'll all be fine, OH FUCK I HEARD A CLICK, click click click, oh man, that was close, spin the cylinder, got to shoot them before they shoot me, they're gonna fire sooner or later and when someone fires everyone will start firing, it'll be a bloodbath, even the Big Guy says so, and the Big Guy never lies, I just gotta be sure I start firing first, if I go first I'll be safe, millions of us, millions of guns and as long CLICK OH JESUS SOMEBODY PULLED THE TRIGGER click click click... Oh God, that was a close one, I think some guns went off somewhere, I think I heard some, but not right here, we should just put the pistols down, and get real jobs, that make real money not play money, but this is easier and the money just comes from somewhere as long as everyone stays calm and nobody starts firing, spin the cylinder, point at someone new, wait to hear the morning news, okay things sound okay, must not fire, must not start the panic, must not panic, must not panic, must not CLICK oh god click click click BANG BANG BANG BANGBANGBANGBANG, fuck, look at all the bodies, jesus, LOOK AT ALL THE FREE GUNS, get guns, gotta get guns and bullets from all the dead people, yeah, quick, get the guns, stand back up, somebody new standing over the old dead guy, point my new gun at his head, smile, stay calm everyone, just stay calm.