What's so smart about that?

Number Two Pencil (25 Feb 1994)

********@u.washington.edu (C Burke) writes:
> I know what you mean. I got a 710, but then I didn't sleep before the
> test, care enough about it to open a book and at least look at sample
> questions, or even know I was taking the SAT until about a week or two
> before the test date, plus I can barely do basic mathematical functions,
> and my cat died the night before. Oh, and I *am* a girl; math is hard.

Tom Fawcett <******@nynexst.com> wrote:
>I know what you mean. I had dropped acid the night before and tried
>to trim my eyelashes with pinking shears, so blood kept collecting at
>my eyelids and dripping onto the test booklet. Plus the hormones for
>my sex-change operation were just starting to kick in and I was
>developing weird distracting hot flashes. Plus I thought I would be
>taking a driver's test for my chauffeur's license; imagine my surprise
>at seeing all that math! And since I'm a space alien from the planet
>Zorgon where mathematics is considered immoral, I had to rederive all
>axioms of mathematical logic that you earthbeings have developed.
>Still I managed a 750.

I know what you mean. I bought a couple of prep books, but then I got a call from the Treasury Dept. about some fucking foreign ops job in Kenya. With ten days to go, I find myself on a dirt airstrip, firefighting with some fucking nationalists who are funding a coup with drug money. My partner's alien parasite was on the fritz, so he kept dematerializing-- yeah, how'd YOU like to scrap with a bunch of androids with no backup? Defused the bomb with only three seconds to go, but I didn't even get to bag the gorgeous babe this time-- she betrayed me with a poison compact machinegun within minutes of first meeting her. Helicopter was intercepted and shot down from orbit by a Russian Cosmosphere; fortunately, I'd decoyed her into the 'copter instead of me. Assaulted the submarine pen, accquired an escape capsule, picked up off the Canary Islands. Arrived home the morning of the fucking test and my Number Two Pencil Bomb went off the first time I marked 'E'.

Only a 720, but when the Libyan terrorists attacked the school campus during the midtest break, I was well prepared.

Rictus Hep fails to take first place in the county spelling bee (3 Aug 1993)

"Rebellious. F-U-C-K-Y-O-U. Rebellious."

Tech Boast (11 June 1996)

Clayton Weaver <*****@eskimo.com> wrote:
>Can you install a scsi board & cdrom into a live, power on running
>computer in the middle of an OS/2 installation and get away with it?

Clayton, my poor, unimaginative boy,

I can install a particle beam weapon and digital toilet into a live, rabid war elephant in the middle of a hurricane and not only do I get away with it, people send me Hallmark cards from foreign countries in praise.

I can install a semi-literate backwoods hick and his Hapsburg-inbred wife into a dying, third-world military junta in the middle of a fossil-fuel crisis and not only do I get away with it, several GOP congressmen commit suicide in shame.

I can install six different flavors of ice cream into your optic nerve while you're reading Tolstoy for the first time, in the middle of your high school Russian Lit class, and not only can I get away with it, I can convince you that it was Penthouse Forum letters from the early Eighties etched with a surgical laser into the gummy backing of a "young Elvis" 32-cent postage stamp.

You must set your sights higher; Scott Dorsey's gonna wander in here at some point and then you're really going to see the fur fly.