So I'm in Merced with my friend Matt; we still lived there, apparently. I'd just managed to steal about $10,000 in drug money from Sheriff Amis; took it right out of his cruiser. We hid the money in my truck and then ran into some cops, but we played it cool and they didn't catch on that we hat their bucks. They were stopping everyone on some kind of bogus "DUI checkpoint" thing, in a parking lot no less, but I knew they were actually looking for whoever stole the Sheriff's drug payments.
Well, we were hungry [1] but had no money. Then I remembered I had a briefcase full of 20's in the truck, so we went to a Pioneer Chicken on G Street near uberman's former place of residence. I ordered a chicken sandwich, but then this TV movie came on. They had a TV up in an upper corner of the dining area, and this fucking stupid movie came on and they all started to watch it. And I remembered how much the network had hyped this STUPID TV movie, and I realized that virtually everyone in America except for me and Matt was watching this thing.
It was set in the 1880's, and had only one character-- a Boston woman bound for somewhere out west, but her train lost control and was heading at high speed for the cliff that Harold drove his car off in Harold & Maude, into the ocean. So she spends the whole time running around the train, trying to get off, and ruminating on her fate. I think the woman was the actress who played the school teacher in Back to the Future III (in fact, I'm almost certain of it; you'll see why in a moment).
So everyone-- EVERYONE-- in the restaurant is staring, slack-jawed, at the TV and I had to go around behind the counter and finish making my chicken sandwich. Then Matt and I got the hell out of there.
[1] I believe, now, that this was my brain trying to encourage me to wake up and eat, since I was really hungry when I did finally awaken.
So Matt and I go to my house to eat. We turn on the TV but, of course, there's that FUCKING STUPID TV MOVIE-- on every channel-- so we watch Back to the Future on tape. [1] However, this was a very different version of Back to the Future. It opened with Marty going out to visit Doc at some kind of communal garden area. Doc tries to explain time to Marty: "Picture this shiny garden pinwheel as time, and... no, wait, too complex. Here. Pictures this Round-Up sprayer as time and... no, no... here. Picture this RAKE as time. Then..." [2] but Marty cuts him off because he has to go to the bathroom really bad. [3]
While Marty is at the restroom, Doc gets a bunch of professional landscape movers (yeah, that's right-- Landscape. Movers.) and they gather around what looks like the leaves of a turnip, poking out of the ground. Marty gets back and then realizes he forgot to get a receipt from the bathroom, so he goes back. [4] The movers get a big frame thing, used for moving fullgrown trees, and set it around the lone turnip. They are all laughing at how Doc wants them to move this turnip with a full tree-mover. Doc looks smug. They yank the turnip up, and it turns out to be HUGE-- the size of a basketball, at least! Marty returns and comments on the size of the turnip. Doc: "Yes, and it's denser than lead. Weighs a good 800 pounds." It was all ant-infested, though, and had big chunks eaten out of it. [5] Doc started eating an apple, creating bite marks in it much like the marks in the huge turnip.
I awoke, hungry and desperately in need of a trip to the restroom.
[1] Now you see why I think it was probably the woman from BttF III?
[2] This I almost certainly got from Ford Prefect's explanation of the Big Bang in Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
[3] My body's way of saying "Wake up and piss!"
[4] Boy, my body sure is persistent in trying to wake me up, eh?
[5] This I take as symbolic of my dissatisfaction with my life. Yeah, right. It's probably just because I don't like turnips. [6]
[6] Although, you know, now that I think about it, it looked less like a turnip and more like a radish.
Never did find out how the TV movie ended, but I bet it was STUPID.