Quake Addiction Purity Test

By Martin Cox

Disclaimer - This test has in past caused a lot of controversy. Any digs at members of the Quake community are purely in jest - in fact not one iota of this test is to be taken seriously. Please keep that in mind before sending me e-mail.

Note - This test is NOT final. Mail me with any suggestions/questions that should be added/etc. Also, I am not responsible for any personal injury that may result in attempting to lose some of these points, especially standing up a significant other to play Quake.

Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes".
The "submit" button is at the bottom.

1. Ownership

  1. Have you ever played Quake?
  2. -- Quake2?
  3. Have you played qtest?
  4. -- Q2Test?
  5. Have you played the shareware version (Q1 only)?
  6. Do you have the registered version or Quake 2?
  7. -- Did you order it before it was even out?
  8. Have you beaten either game?
  9. -- Without cheating?
  10. -- On Nightmare?
  11. Do you have one of the mission packs for one of the games?
  12. -- Both for one game?
  13. Do you have CTF/CTF2, TF, Rocket Arena/RA2, Painkeep, or Action Quake2? (one will do)
  14. -- All of them?
  15. Is your Quake or Quake2 directory tree over 350 megs larger than the game itself?
  16. -- More than a gig?

2. Upgrades

  1. Did you buy a 3Dfx just for GLQuake?
  2. Have you ever spent more than $500 just to improve your Quake framerate?
  3. -- More than $1000?
  4. Have you ever bought a new computer entirely just for faster Quake play?
  5. Are you going to/Did you dump your old 3D card for a Voodoo 2?
  6. Did you upgrade your OS just so you could play QuakeWorld or GLQuake?
  7. Did you get a faster connection (ISDN, cable, T1, etc.) just to become an LPB?

3. Playing

  1. Are you a mouser?
  2. Can you rocket-jump without an alias?
  3. Can you grenade-jump?
  4. Dual Grenade/Rocket jump?
  5. Do you know exactly how long it takes each item to respawn?
  6. Are you in a clan?
  7. Are you a clan leader?
  8. Do you often play Quake longer than you work/attend school/sleep?
  9. Do you have the IPs of your favorite servers memorized?
  10. Are you always in the top 3 of any game, regardless of your ping?
  11. Do you challenge people to deathmatches instead of arguing with them?
  12. Do you brag to your friends that your mouse sensitivity is higher than theirs?
  13. Have you ever written an alias that executes 20 or more commands with one keypress?
  14. Do you stay up 'till 2am or later waiting for the net to speed up so you can play QW faster?
  15. Do you run a server?
  16. -- More than one?
  17. Is it running on a linux/SGI/Sun box?
  18. Is the machine ONLY used for the Quake server?
  19. Have you ever stolen to feed your Quake addiction?
  20. Have you ever passed up sex to play Quake?
  21. Have you ever had an orgasm after a particularly good frag?
  22. Have you ever masturbated while playing Quake?
  23. Have you received oral sex while playing Quake?
  24. Do you think of the Quake1 Rocket Launcher whenever you see a dildo?
  25. Do you delete pr0n to make space for more TCs?
  26. Do you still play qtest, considering it a classic?
  27. Have you downloaded at least two Quake or Quake2 betas that were hoaxes?
  28. Have you ever played Quake so drunk you could hardly run through doorways?
  29. Have you ever played Quake on some sort of hallucinogenic drug? (shrooms, LSD, whatever)

4. Competition

  1. Have you ever entered a fairly major tournament?
  2. Did you win a prize?
  3. Was it a Space Orb?
  4. Did you get a trophy?
  5. Have you ever placed in the top 10?
  6. -- Top 3?
  7. Have you won a tournament?
  8. Did you win a computer?
  9. -- A car?
  10. Did you travel over 100 miles to enter the tournament?
  11. Over 1000?
  12. Was AceJas there?
  13. Have you ever entered a speed-running or bot-spanking competition?
  14. -- Did you win?

5. Net Parties/Conventions

  1. Have you ever been to a Quake party?
  2. Did it last overnight?
  3. Did you travel more than 100 miles to get there?
  4. Were there more than 15 people there?
  5. Have you ever been to a big convention? (M3, QuakeCon, FragFest, DC-Con, etc.)?
  6. Was AceJas there?
  7. Did you get less than 5 hours of sleep for every 24 hours you were there? (i.e. there for 72 hours, slept less than 15)
  8. Were you at #quakeCon '96? (worth two points)
  9. Were you at QuakeCon '97?
  10. Did you do anything kinky for a SiN t-shirt?
  11. Was it with someone other than the stripper? (i.e. sCary, Levelord, etc... you perv)
  12. Were you at QuakeC--- err, excuse me PoLiSh, CPL Event?
  13. Did you get depressed because you couldn't go to a QuakeCon?
  14. Did you eat at Denny's while you were there?
  15. Does Wendigo have an embarrassing pic of you in one of his collections?

6. Quake and IRC

  1. Have you ever been to a Quake-related IRC channel? (#quake, #quake2, #quakeed, #quakehelp, any network)
  2. Have you ever been to EFNet #quake?
  3. Were you there for the shareware release?
  4. -- The QTest release? (two points)
  5. Did greygoon offer to call you for a game of DOOM2?
  6. Did you manage to stay there for an hour or more without getting BK'd?
  7. Are you a regular on one of the aforementioned Quake-related channels?
  8. Are you, or have you ever been, an op on a Quake-related channel (and I don't mean during a netsplit)
  9. Are you, or have you ever been, an op on EFNet #quake? (once more, on the bots, not just split)
  10. Do you think chunkk has a future in comedy?
  11. Have you ever tricked a lamer into typing "unbindall"?
  12. Have you ever nuked someone for making you type "unbindall"?
  13. Have you read The Beater Log?
  14. Were you actually THERE when it happened?
  15. Are you on #quake as you're taking this test?
  16. Are you g-lined from 3dnet for accusing Disruptor of being paid to sit around making animated .gifs?

7. Community

  1. Do you regularly visit Blue's, sCary's, Redwood's, or Frag.Com News?
  2. Is one of them your default startup page?
  3. Have you ever sent them any news?
  4. Did they print it?
  5. Do you run a Quake-related page yourself? (must be fairly regularly updated)
  6. Do you have a story on one of the humour pages, i.e. New Vore Times?
  7. Do you read every issue of Dank and Scud?
  8. Do you listen to QuakeCast?
  9. Have you ever been ON QuakeCast?
  10. Do you want KillCreek more than anyone you know in real life? (if female, substitute sCary)
  11. Have you ever been flamed by Onethumb? (five points)
  12. Have you ever burned a Duke Nukem box?
  13. Do you want to beat up George Broussard or Tim Sweeny?

8. Editing

  1. Do you have a level editor installed?
  2. -- Three or more?
  3. -- Have you written one? (two points)
  4. -- Do you just use a text editor? (two points)
  5. Do you have a level or QuakeC/QuakeDLL patch on cdrom.com?
  6. Are you on a TC team?
  7. Have you written a Quake utility simply because the existing ones lacked a feature you wanted?
  8. Have you made a modified QBSP? (two points)
  9. Have you received a job offer for your work on a Quake mod or utility?

9. Real Life intrusion

  1. Have you ever dressed as a Quake character for Halloween?
  2. Do you know every inch of the DM, CTF, and TF levels, but get lost in your own house?
  3. Do you blame being late for work/school/dates on lag?
  4. Do you strafe around corners?
  5. Do you promise to get projects done "in two weeks"?
  6. Have you ever had the Q symbol shaved into your hair?
  7. -- Your pubic hair?
  8. Have you ever lost a job/flunked out of school due to Quake?
  9. Do your colleagues/friends call you by your Quake handle?
  10. Is your Quake Purity Test score lower than your real Purity Test score?
  11. If you see a backpack lying around somewhere, do you pick it up and rifle through it for a grenade launcher?
  12. Do your loved ones ask you who those "strogg" people you mutter about in your sleep are?
  13. Have you ever slept with someone you met through Quake?

This test uses the Armory purity calculator engine, maintained by John Dubois. He is not responsible for anything on this test - that would be me, Martin "DemonEater" Cox. Mail me with suggestions/complaints/extra questions.